Hi! Or as Jessica puts it. HAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!
Hahaha. Wow so second entry of the year. And its March 2nd. Alright, well my entry streak hasn't been as amazing as I had hoped. So the quarter is going by crazy fast, but everything else is going by slowly for depressing reasons. Its been a really weird quarter. Winter quarters are always not for me, and when applying to CR, living in CR, and having those 2 weeks at home I always suspected that this quarter would be very hard for me for various reasons. And it has been. Really has. Its been taking such a toll on me that I told my parents I'm getting anxiety again, and my mom went ahead and called the family doctor again for a prescription to Xanax. Again. We'll see how things go. I'm not too into taking it again, and getting addicted. I don't even have the TIME to take it. Maybe having the option right there will be enough to calm me down. We'll see how things turn out.

Love life isn't getting any luck. Don't know where I stand with a lot of things. I don't like liking people, because it never turns out the way I was hoping for and never goes my way. But enough of that. Things happen for a reason right? Can't be emo forever. ANYWAYS. Classes are going meh, I'm not doing as well as I was hoping this quarter, boo. Hopefully I can still pull of As in the classes that I need them most in. I NEED to. Oh and I also signed up for classes last week for Spring quarter '09. Ridiculous. Last quarter of junior year I'm taking: systematic botany + lab, plant disease ecology + lab (with Gilbert again a year later. awkward), and introduction to wines and wine chemistry (for my last GE!). Score. But 19 units. Um, shit. Well its all plant sciences stuff so it'll be nice to get working on my second major. Animal physiology with Williams is really fun, the class is great and the subject is sooo easy for me, wahoo! MoMI is alright, Chau and I die in class everyday. Behavioral neuroscience is fun, its hard as hell and everyone did poorly on the 2nd midterm because all that information at once is ridiculous. But he assured us we still have chances at getting As and doing well, so I'm studying for that final already. Its awkward/interesting studying for and memorizing chapters on emotions, memory, language, etc. I really like it though so we'll see how this turns out. For the paper my group and I are working on odor memory and all the vivid memories that come back when the olfactory system is aroused from a single scent. Finally get to research something thats always been on my mind.

Animal phys with Christine, Cristina, and Marcus is real fun, its nice to have a taste of Costa Rica every TuTh. And not to mention that I'm living with Sean, and Sara. So being at my apartment is always really fun. So much fun that I don't get much work done. Well I don't get much done anyways because I'm distracted. And that needs to end. Having fun with my friends totally makes everything so much better. On Saturday I went to Valley Fair in SJ with Tricia, Robert, Jessica, and Jamie and I had soooo much fun. Tricia bought me jeans!!! My first pair of jeans too, wow I never thought that would happen. She bought me 2 shirts too, woooow. And I got some other stuff as well. I told my mom the day after that I went shopping and she was so excited and surprised. Well the whole day was spent at Valley Fair, Urban, and Tricia's cousin house for his 18th bday. The whole family was there and there was soooo much food, it was so nice. They were all so welcoming and nice aw it felt like the mexican side of my family it was a really nice feeling. After dinner and taking out foodz, some of which I haven't tried before, we all went to Target to pick up some shiiietz. Then we drove back to Pac Shores and I went with Shu and Wu to Safeway to prep up for the crazy party that went down that night. Ridiiiiiculous party at Pac Shores. I wish I remembered it all but its all good, I remember most of it haha. I had so much fun though I really want it all to happen again soon.

The gym has been fun. I like going and I feel so happy every time I leave. I hate the bus system so I just decide to walk all the way home on TuTh. Its real nice. And next quarter I can do it three times a week easily because of the MWF class that I'm specifically taking for that reason! Now I can't escape and be a fatass on the couch as much. I'm seeing improvements, and I only go twice a week, imagine three times a week! Yaaaay. Well I'll shut up about this, I feel stupid talking about it haha.

I've been kinda missing home too. Seton has moved to Australia. Neal, my relative in NC had surgery last month to get a lemon-sized, malignant, aggressive, rare tumor, removed. I don't know the status of it all yet, but it scares me all the time. The family has had a lot of hits since I've been back from CR. Which doesn't help me at all. Doesn't help any of us at all really. There's just too much stuff going down in my life to prevent me from being happy and relaxed, I don't know why its turned out like this. I'm trying my hardest to prevent myself from breaking down and losing it. Thats already happened once this quarter over being emo from so-and-so. I feel ashamed over that too. I told myself I wouldn't let myself get to that and look where I ended up, and look at me now. Greeeaaat. Fml. Now that seems appropriate huh?

I can't believe we're in the 8th week of the quarter. You serious. Last quarter seemed like an entire year and now this winter quarter seems like it just started. I don't know what to do with myself these days. I need someone to tell me everything is going to be ok and be there for me. The person I imagined it to be seems to not be the person I thought they were. Which is probably the one thing thats hurting the most. If you want to know, don't ask, don't beg, don't bother me at my every whim to know about this all. In due time. In. Due. Time. I have trust issues and have had them since thaaat incident in high school, so it all makes sense right? And I'm also afraid of vodka, bad things always happen when I have vodka. Random yes, but totally appropriate at the same time.

If you have to ask, you'll never know.

Hi?
Its been a while. Awkward. (what if I was serious). ANYWAYS. Wow last time I updated was mid-way thru Costa Rica. Whats happened since then? Well the rest of the program went by. Which meant tests, getting closer to my new bio-nerd friends (dad was right I developed some lifelong friendships over there), lived at my homestay and had a little brother and little sister (I was finally the oldest sibling! It felt awesome, finally knowing what its like), traveled to Penas Blancas and back (most intense hike of my LIFE), did my research on pollen diversity between hummingbirds and nectarivorous bats in Monteverde (which meant mist-netting for them both at dusk and dawn and catching and handling hundreds of them-FUCKING AMAZING), writing my 27 page research paper and presenting it at the symposium, traveling to Arenal Volcano, Zarcero, and going back to San Jose with the group. Program ends. We laugh, we cry, we say "I'm gonna miss you a lot" over and over. We experience it all and Sean and I leave Hotel Cacts to take a taxi to the airport. The taxi having like, 5 air refresheners inside it and on our way to the airport Sean and I have a talk on who we liked, didn't like, and who we wanted to talk more to, concerning people in our program. Good times.

When I got to the airport Brendan scared me in front of luggage and though it was nice reuniting with my family, it was quite odd and awkward. Being home for those 2 weeks post-Costa Rica was not. Fun. At. All. It wasn't just the reverse culture shock knocking on the door and kicking my ass, it was also just the being-thrown-back-into-normal life kinda deal. Wasn't really ready for it, what I was ready for was Santa Cruz and reuniting with my friends up there, who I also like to consider family, my family. Being in LA for those 2 weeks proved to me that I'm just not that into it anymore, I don't like the place, a lot of the people, their intentions and priorities, and just what they're doing or lack thereof. I've lost those connections, those solid foundations, possibly because I've changed. Or like what my friends up here in SC have said, I've "matured" and just "grown up" but still the same me. So I'm happy that not ALL of me has changed. And yeah I've lost weight, but its not from being anorexic, bitch please. I worked HARD to get where I am today, I've been working hard and dedicated since summer to just be healthy and fit. I mean come on, I'm young. I don't want to be this age and unfit and not happy with who I am. I can get away with being quick and agile and hyperactive now, so I'm going to take full advantage of that option and do what I can to be healthy! And its working, even when I stretch it feels absolutely diviiiine. I just feel so much better its odd. Oh so New Years was fun too. My friends and Brendan's friends all over and all of us just getting drunk and having a great time :). Another epic New Years indeed. Days later I was all packed up and ready to leave LA for SC. Shusuke picked me up and we drove up in his dad's pickup truck!! Aw memorable road trip, it was fun. So we get up there and I spend the weekend at Pac Shores as Sean and Sara are moving their stuff in at our new place on Grandview St! ITS SO NICE. I love it. We partied with Tricia and David that weekend and just caught up on partying that I missed with them last quarter.

I finally move into my place, get my OWN room all nice and set up 'n shiiiiiet. School started soon after I got here. Right on the 6th I had 2 classes. I'm taking Animal Physiology + lab, Behavioral Neuroscience, and Music of Modern Israel. I'm loving the classes and the teachers. Though MoMI can be kind of dull. I'm REALLY happy I have that class with Chau. I have Animal Physiology with Terrie Williams and I sit with Christine, Cristina, and Marcus everyday, so I have a little bit of Costa Rica with me all the time. Reverse culture shock is pretty much gone, but I still wonder if its still here and there or if I use it as an excuse for when I'm feeling out of it or odd or just not as content as I thought I would be here. Who knows. Oh and I realized I REALLY hate liking people and "playing the game" with someone, its not fun and I always get hurt, so Sean, maybe you learned something about 4 years ago from this time or didn't. But remember that everything is going to be ok. Ugh. I just want to be happy, I don't know why thats so hard for me to experience. Sure I experienced the happiest I've ever been in Costa Rica. Knowing what its like to be happy with who you are, with people that love you no matter what, with a job that you would like to do for the rest of your life, and in an environment that you were developed perfectly for? I thought I had it all. And then I came back to Santa Cruz and realized there was one thing missing from that (what seemed like) pristine part of my life: someone to be happy with. Ever since I've been back in SC its been hell because thats all I want: someone to be happy with. Living here, and especially living with a happy couple, makes it even harder to deal with.

So I've been going through, day by day just trying to take it easy and have time answer the question: "Is it mutual? Or can it ever be mutual?" Torture. Thats all it is. Times like these I hope the saying "you have to walk through hell to experience heaven" is true. I can only hope so, and put myself out there even more to see if theres a response. Hopefully I'll capture their attention. I'm tired of using the "Oh I'm too busy with school" excuse, its not even true, even with my two upper division bio classes (that I NEED As in because my dad is friends with Terrie and my other prof knows my last name and knows of my dad-oh god). Will anything ever happen? Does this person like me back? Are my friends right with the "just take it slow" approach? See this is what I've been going throuuuuuugh its not fun. But I am loving SC more than LA, but a lot less than CR. Agh. BUT. The friendships I've developed up here in SC have become even better because a solid foundation has been set, we talk about our deep feelings and stuff that connects us, and I never really had that back at home? Eh, thats life I guess.

So Sara has left for Costa Rica, leaving Sean and I all by ourselves.....Wooooo party!!!!! Just kidding kids, we love Sara and miss her a lot. Sean and I are always fatting around but we're allllwaaaaaysss laughing and just having a ridiculous time whether we're just sitting around or studying intensely for a midterm the next day. Oh and I've been going to the gym after class on Tuesday and Thursdays, its a good routine, but I want to go one more time over the weekend but I never do. Booo. Whenever I get out of the gym it never coincides with the 20 schedule so I end up walking all the way back home from campus. Thats riiiiiight aaaalllll the way back home and it feels so nice! The walk is pretty nice too, through a eucalyptus (MYRTACEAE) forest. I love my neighborhood too. I miss last year at the apartments though, so content. And that last week of sophomore year :(. That was a good week. I miss not knowing that person. Ever since my life has just been some indirect rollercoaster of what?huh?why?when?WHAT? Its shitty. But Costa Rica happened and that was definitely a lot more worth it, it was life-changing! So I shouldn't complain. And LA was so not life-changing that I'm staying up here all summer. Kara didn't like that, but she'll visit and I'll go down to visit her as well. Family? Uhh not so sure. Yeah I miss them a lot but I mean c'mon, I'm the total blacksheep in that family. Talk about awkward.

Well a lot more shits gone down since my last update. I've had the livejournal for 5+ years now. A little more entries and I'll get to 1000 entries, my goal for this livejournal. Technically I would be closer, but I cheated and actually physically wrote IN a journal in Costa Rica. Journaled every night there. Every memory accounted for. And for chagus? Who knows. Either way I'm gonna live my life from now on as if I did have it: only 20 years left to live so might as well pack it full of the best moments anyone could ever experience right? I'll be living pseudo-Chagly from now on.

I hope things look up.
I hope its mutual.
I just want to be happy... Lets do this.

So here I am in Monteverde, Costa Rica!
All 33 of us students are in the station and we're raving over how amazing it is to have technology, dry clothes, hot showers, and connections to the outside world. If it was up to me I'd like to have been away from the technology for another week or two, but hey I need to connect with people and let everyone know I'm alive!

The past 3 weeks have been the most amazing weeks I have possibly ever experienced. From San Jose, to Pitilla (station in the rainforest near Nicaragua), to Cuajiniquil (small fishing village on the Pacific coast) and homestays, to Isla San Jose (essentially an archipelago off the coast where its basically tropical paradise), and now Monteverde/Santa Elena. The things and places I have seen! Costa Rica is epic beyond belief and I'm definitely going to have trouble coming home. The animals I've held and have been able to be within inches of! We're under Dengue fever watch right now, we find out whether we come down with symptoms within the next 4 days, so its kinda the moment of truth. An outbreak occurred in Cuajiniquil so we're all paranoid/laughing about it. Kinda like the Chagus situation. I miss everyone so much, and I'm thinking of everyone in SC almost everyday, I'm looking forward to the day I get to see them all again. But yeah, here I am! Chilling in the cloud forests of Monteverde and I have a healthy amount of bug bites all over, its fun.

Its weird using internet. I'm kinda not really into it at the moment. Give me an update on facebook kids! And Tricia or Shu or Jenny or Monica or anyone from SC who is reading this, please let other kids read this if they want to or if they want a quick update! Internet is really slow and not available that often here at the station so unfortunately communicating will be a little hard, but I will definitely try! And I'm working on the postcards! Love all you guys, miss you a lot, hope you're all having a great quarter and having fun! Peace!

SO.
I leave for the airport for Costa Rica in an hour. Hoooooly shit. I don't even know what to say. Last week I went up to Santa Cruz to visit all mah friends and that turned out to be epic and a completely satisfying way to end the summer. Some people cried which was depressing, but I assure you all I will be back as soon as you know it. I left some things unfinished which is what I didn't want to do at all this summer, so I guess you can say that all but one of my missions were completed for this summer: leave and have someone to come back to. The crush situation from the beginning of the summer gave me hope that that might actually be the case, that I WOULD have someone to come back to. But alas, knowing my luck, nothing happened, and my lack of courage determined my future once again. So I have questions left. I'll have these questions and wishful thoughts in my head while I'm in Costa Rica. Sitting. Thinking. Wishing, that I will experience what happiness is with another individual when I get back. But you know, this could just be expectations and more wishful thinking. Soooooo I'll try to set that all aside for know and grasp reality once more.

I'm about to leave the United States for 2.5 months and whoa. First it was 8 months, then 5 months, then 3 months, then 1 month, then 3 weeks, then 1 week, then 3 days, then 1 day, then 1 hour. Damn. Time flies. I'm gonna miss the SC and LA kids so much. I do already. I know they're there for me, so that'll help me get by. I expected to write some long, epic entry but it seems that won't be the case. I started and finished packing today. Thats talent! Oh and if any of you know if 1 bd apartments up at SC will open up November, December, or January let me know! I'll be looking myself but I'm gonna need some help. Yay Craigslist. I might be living with Jamie, Shusuke, and Sabba when I get back though. That would actually be a lot of fun. Hm. Well anyways I should get going. I have this long, epic journey in front of me and I don't know what to say or expect. Kara said leave with no expectations, so thats exactly what I'm doing. I got a haircut today, its SO short. I got my new glasses last week, I look like an indie nerd. And I have an almost completely new wardrobe. Damn.

I don't know what to say right now. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm happy. I'm curious. But I'll be living life the way life ought to be lived. I'm gonna miss them all so much.

So, here I go!

LA needs to be more exciting.
It's failing to attract me back, failing to make me want to come back from any such break away from college. People here have changed, I've changed. We've changed for better or for worse, eh but thats life right? Natural divergence. I'm spending my nights here either hanging by myself and reading books (Evolution's Rainbow) and looking at books I wish I had time to read before I left or going out with the UCLA kids or with Brendan and Rocio. During the day I'm usually at the lab, sitting in front of a computer in a lab full of geniuses and then there's me, like "Hi?", commonly on Facebook and digitizing videos, taking my dad's money. Yay? I hate how my mom said "No" to me going out and finding a job when I came back late July, instead she believed it would be a better idea to work in my dad's lab the rest of the summer. Note to self: never listen to your mom again Sean, by now, I think you know what's good for you and what's not, what YOU want and what you DON'T want. No one down here knows who I am or what I'm really like. Which, currently, I am completely content about because honestly, well, not down to say that here. Word spreads, and I know who spreads it down here, so not down to talk to them either! Costa Rica is coming up quickly, I wish I could just be up in Santa Cruz now, then leave for Costa Rica from there. I wish a huge whale could just pick me up at the end of the pier at SC and then we'd have a jolly old time swimming to warmer waters and pristine beaches. Ah divine. As you could probably tell I'm updating because I'm bored and procrastinating on packing. Oh random note, my friend Ashley is selling me her 30 Gb iPod for $125 when I go up to SC. PERFECT. My iPod is about to kick the bucket anyways, and is only 20 GB. Boo.

This weekend is the Monterey Jazz Festival. Hope its as fun as the other years. For some reason I'm not looking forward to it as much as I thought. I mean, there is my own personal, good-bye adventure to Santa Cruz right after to say bye to my favorite kidlettes (going to miss them more than anything), then back to LA (boo, not looking forward to that), then my life in Costa Rica officially begins on the 29th/30th. I kinda wish Evolution was still going, there's is absolutely nothing exciting to do here in the middle of Los Angeles. It's funny how I've already decided to stay up at SC next summer. Yeah, Los Angeles has disappointed me THAT much. This year I've finally realized I need to say FUCK OFF to whatever is not making me happy, and embrace what does. It REALLY hit me when I turned 20. Knowing that I could no longer blame my problems on teenage angst or go about life with that lalala-I'm-a-stupid-innocent-teenager-I-can-get-away-with-anything-I-want attitude. Life is growing up fast, so that made me realize I need to go after what, and WHO makes me feel "happy, and nervous, and weird." You know, that feeling, whether its something or someone. But as days go by down here, I've realized more and more who I've become, who many people have become, and our different outlooks on life and how they are completely different, consisting of drastically dissimilar priorities. At first it scared me and I had no idea what to do. But now, haha now, it couldn't make me happier because I know what I want and who I want to be around. I'm glad this slapped me in the face before Costa Rica, because it would be a terrible thing to realize right when I got back from living abroad for 3 months. That would be a mind fuck, along with the reverse-culture shock I'd be going through then.

So much for things going smoothly before I leave here..........................Oh well!

So a lot of shits gone down since August 31st.
And its fucking nice as HELL. Well since then the Evolution class at UCLA has ended, had my final last Thursday and I was studying practically only 2 days beforehand. Which was weird for me, usually I'll study a week before then freak the shit out the night before, but neither of those happened. I felt comfortable with the material, which is expected, because it IS my major so if I failed at it then what? 99% on the first midterm, 91.5% on the second midterm, and the final was easy as FUCK. Walked outta that classroom like "BAAALLLIIIINNN" (haha Robert). Wow I'm glad I don't use that word seriously. However, UCLA classes? Never again. The UCLA bio and pre-med students are not really, um, nice? I believe they talk to their books more so than human beings. Oh and the last lecture in evolution was all about human evolution which interested me very much so, ironically, because I always thought "Ew humans, yay tropical biodiversity!" Damn I sound like a bio douche. Well I'm gonna get to what's important.

Mom and Brendan came back the day before my final, last Wednesday. It was good to see them but I was kinda depressed? I honestly don't know why. I never said bye to them before they left for their trip, so I never said bye to Seton before he left for this trip and his epic Europe adventure afterwards. He's off on his own traveling around Europe, he said he hopes to be back for Thanksgiving. Actually no, my mom said he better be back by then. I'm not even going to have a Thanksgiving. Different. Or Halloween. Really different. Well it should be worth it. So I'm not going to see Seton till December 15th, when I come back from Costa Rica. Oh and 2 weeks from today I leave. On the 29th. Fucking weird! I feel like it hasn't even hit me yet haha, leave it to the night of or the day before for me to fall to the ground due to a panic attack. I'm gonna be nervous and on edge the entire time getting there but I'm sure once I'm there I'll be in my element. Assuming so, actually I hate assuming, so scratch that and replace it with "hoping". I hate expectations, because for me it always leaves room for disappointment.

EAP keeps sending all of us Monteverde students new emails and new stuff to send in. Why last minute? They told us to buy snorkel/mask/fins because during the first 2 weeks of the program while we're hiking around the different ecosystems of Costa Rica we're gonna be snorkeling 7 out of the 14 days we're there. Woohoo! But still, I need to buy more shit. And turns out I don't need to bring as much clothes as i thought. Hm. I just hope I bring what's necessary and enough of it. I still don't know how much to pack, damn EAP. I think I might go up to SC after the Monterey Jazz Festival. I might go up to Lafayette with the Millers first then go down to SC, who knows. All I know is that time with just the SC kids and I is absolutely required before I leave. I miss them all so much, weird to think that I haven't been up there since I left in July. Thats disgusting. It was chill seeing Tricia, Tracy, Mitchell, Jamie, Jessica, and Devin though. Monica said she would look around the apartment complexes near hers on Felix St. If I can get my own 1 bdrm place close to friends off-campus and is centrally located my life would be complete. Though living with Jamie, Sabba, and Shusuke would be pretty tight too. I'm down for that too but I'll wait to see how the 3 of them hold up living there. All I know is that 1 month living in a living room was enough for me. From time to time I'll just daydream about having my own place when I come back from Costa Rica, then I get carried away and develop wishful thinking. I'm trying to quit with this "wishful thinking" shit, its royally fucked me up this summer, intense mind fucks. Especially concerning the summer crush I had that we both thought was gonna end up making this summer diviiiiine, but now look at us :(

Oh and playing WiiFit almost everyday is definitely helping me tone down. I've lost almost 10 lbs. from when I started playing it in mid-August. Weird. I'm actually finally being active because I want to, and its so satisfying after every workout. I'm actually conscious of everything I'm eating now and how much of it I'm eating, so the right proportions are definitely helping it along. I've been on the treadmill a lot too and out back on the machines. I'm noticing differences too, and I'm flexible as hell because of the yoga on WiiFit haha. Stretching feels AMAZING all the time. Sure I won't have the body I want by the time I get to Costa Rica, but all the hiking there and me feeling anxiety leading to loss of apetite (unfortunately) in the beginning will help somewhat. Don't worry I'm losing weight and gaining muscle mass the HEALTHY way, I know mah shiiiiet and have dignity. Wahooo this makes me happy :)

This summer has been more than revealing though. People have told me I'm good looking and/or hot? Where the fuck did that come from? Spent my whole life up to when I heard that thinking I'm no where near that and ugly. Now THIS was a mind fuck as well, going from me just being there to people all over me, its nice, knowing that I'm wanted (to some extent), but all of this happening at once confused the hell out of me, actually it still is. The only reason I've grown up so insecure is because Brendan and Seton. I'm not blaming them for anything, its just me comparing myself to them, every girl melting in front of Seton and I'm just standing there like...hi??Alrighty! Then everyone telling me my brothers are so hot, then there's me on the sidelines like, uhhhh k. Then suddenly this person has a crush on me and I knew this person seemed kinda shallow so when this person told me I'm like uhhhhhhWHAT. Then the parties at UCLA. Now the "thing" this person and I have (read below). This is by far the weirdest and most revealing summer I've ever experienced.

I've been working in my dads lab a lot. I thought I would be getting more shit done and more hours in, but no. I need money in my bank account. This lack of money will probably be the reason I'll only be able to stay in Santa Cruz for 3 or 4 days and not 6 or 7. I guess its a good thing? Being there for longer than 3/4 days will just make me get used to Santa Cruz way too much before I leave. Hmm what else has been happening. Haven't drawn a THING since the Science Illustration classes July, see? LA leaves me with no influence, I fucking highly dislike it here. All I know is that next summer I'm going to be in SC the ENTIRE time, fuck LA. Oh I've been talking to Kara a lot, talking to her about what and who has been annoying the fuck out of me, how much we miss each other, how much I want her to meet all the SC kids (they'd LOVE her) and how much shed' love them, and about Boulder. She loves it over there and she's really happy, so I'm happy. Nothing much has been happening besides that. Oh I have a "thing" with someone. :). And its EXTREMELY nice being with this person and having someone to finally TALK to. The whole summer I've been in dire need of a one-to-one epic conversation about anything and everything with someone. I can safely say it has rescued my summer from being epicly boring and uneventful. Spend my time looking in the mirror before I leave the house JUST to cover up these damn hickies haha. And I guess I'm covering them up well because no one has noticed. And if you're reading this, with this face O_O, I'd appreciate if you don't mention this in person? Thats awkward. An unspoken rule for Livejournal, never mention in person what someone mentions in their Livejournal (and yeah I have to repeat this AGAIN here). If you want to know then you'll have to wait to find out or just continue waiting. If you have a feeling I'll bring it up to talk to you about it, then yeah I probably will, but only in person, so consider yourself lucky.

But, if you have to ask, you'll never know.

This summer is pretty weird.
A month goes by and towards the end of it I'm always like, wow I didn't really do much this month, but then something EPIC happens. One thing, right in time, to completely make the month worth it. Something happened in June, in July, and last night something happened right in time for the end of August. Weird, but pretty fucking awesome! ANYWAYS. This weekend was perfect. Tricia, Tracy, and Mitchell headed down to LA on Wednesday night and when they got here I took them in the "Pri Pri" to Ralph's in WW to get some food. When we got back we all had a little food party in the kitchen mmm.

On Thursday I had my second midterm for evolution, it went pretty well! But it was another 2 hours of just writing about evolution, my eyes weren't really cooperating after staring at 8 pages of short answer questions. My teacher gave me a really weird/happy/excited look when I turned in my exam, I kinda laughed oops. Afterwards I drove back up to the house and met up with the kids that just woke up haha. The four of us had lunch at "MISTA NOODER" (Mr. Noodle) and they liked it! We walked around WW for a bit and hung out in Urban. Some kid called me Brad Pitt. o_o. Next stop was 3rd Street Promenade and we walked into every brand name store possible yaay haha. We all saw some really interesting and scary people, but by the time we left all of us were starving and kinda over walking everywhere. But it was quite quaint walking around with the SC/SJ crew, had fun :). Next stop was Ralph's to pick up groceries for dinner, we were cooking dinner for pops. I went back down to WW to pick him up and get a 30 pack for that night mmm. Tricia, Tracy, Mitchell, Huong, Billy, Jackson, and Jake were all over it was pretty cool all over us grilling and then sitting down to eat outside. We hookah'd some and then played some beer pong. First time I drank with Jackson too so that was pretty epic! We all got a little drunk but not too crazy. I mean I had to celebrate, midterm was over and good friends were in town, woohoo!

On Friday the four of us went down to WW to pick up Huong and all of us ate at Elysee Cafe. SO DIVINE. Afterwards we chilled in Starbucks for a bit and then headed back up to the house to meet up with everyone again. Jackson, Jake, Billy, Jamie, Jessica, and their friend Sarah all came up to the house! Once we were all there Mitchell was playing some Wii Fit and soon was "over it" haha. We took 3 cars to Zuma Beach in Malibu. Now this place, DIVINE. Almost all of us got in the water once we arrived and at first it was freezing cold, but soon got over by swimming away. The waves were epic, the sky was like a painting; it was chillest time I've had all month. SC and LA kids around at the same time and we're all just having a good time, perfect. The group split eventually, as everyone except me, Billy, Jake, and Jackson left to go eat at Rosco's Chicken & Waffles. The four os us stayed till the sun went down and we all went back into the water as it was happening. The reflection of the reddish orange sun on the water and waves was so fucking epic I couldn't even take it. The only thing I could think of was that if I thought this was epicly amazing, then what the hell are the beaches in Costa Rica gonna look like? Especially at sunset. Oh damn haha. All of us were craving Gushi (the restaurant haha) so we drove straight there. Once that food was devoured and once a crackhead ran by screaming "OBAMA STOLE MY WIFE" then we knew it was time to leave. Round 2 was tonight so it was everyone from last night plus Claudio, Jamie, Jessica, Sarah, and Huong's boyfriend Corey. We hookah'd again and chilled outside, went inside and played some beerpong. The LA kids left pretty early, so the rest of us continued the party and just talked/chilled the rest of the night, pretty coo pretty coo!

On Saturday, yesterday, the four of us went down to eat in WW again at Noodle Planet. Made a trip into Aahs, then headed back to my house. It was time for Mitchell, Tricia, and Tracy to leave and head back home. Sooo depressing haha, but it was great seeing them and having them over. The house was SO quiet when they left, boo. I spent the rest of the day playing Wii Fit (INTENSE). My dad and I had dinner at Spazio's, a jazz club and restaurant. Dude I loved it so much, just my dad and I having dinner talking about his childhood to today's politics to any friend issues that might have been down, all with this epic jazz band and their singer going all out, so relaxing. The food was divine too. When we got back to the house I chilled for a bit online, then went out to a party at UCLA that my friend invited me too. It wasn't as, actually hahahahaha it was as intense as the last party I went too last weekend. I'm kinda proud of myself for putting down my guard or any form of being nervous and just going with the flow. Last weekend I went to this party that Lance invited me too and I only knew him there, so I ended up meeting 59283423 people all on my own! College has definitely upgraded my social skills thats for sure. Then I went to a party last night too and I kinda missed it, but right when I walked into the apartment this guy threw up all this liquid right in front of me. I immediately though, THANKS!? But it didn't touch me so its all good. But other than that the night was pretty intense, definitely one to remember.

Other than everything thats been happening, I've kinda been attempting new things, or at least noticing old things about myself that I never liked that prevented me from experiencing life in general. Its a pretty epic feeling to let your guard down, just do it, and have that amazing I'm-so-fucking-happy feeling right afterwards, just because you tried something new. That crush I had this summer is over, long gone, and I couldn't be happier with the way it turned out (at least for the summer) because I learned a tremendous amount about myself. Sure there is always going to be some form of disappointment left from it all, but why waste my time sulking over it? Its funny how all these things-from extremely good to extremely bad-are happening right before I leave for Costa Rica. Then I'm gone for 3 months, all by myself. And I mean, me, with 29 other UC students all going to Costa Rica to study Tropical Biology? I'm definitely going to meet some lifelong friends there, and it can only make my life better.

Wow this year is definitely turning out to be something I never expected.
:)

So this summer has been kinda dull.
Eh, oh well, shit happens right? I'm trying my best to make the best out of it, but its hard to keep putting on a happy, satisfied face. You can only do that for so long. Last night was pretty epic though. Actually all of yesterday was. I had class in the morning (it was alright but had no part in how awesome the day was), and afterwards Kara and Barbara picked me up at UCLA and we had lunch at Feast From the East. We drove back to their house where we all helped Kara pack, it was her last day in LA. She leaves for Boulder today at 4:30am so she should be there by now. So Kara and I spent the day together and when we drove back to my house we decided to drive all the way to the end of the street and just talk at the epic spot for a good while. After all the shit thats been going down, I am SO glad I have her around and that we're, yes, bfffs haha. When we got back to my house she said bye to everyone and then I said bye to her as she drove off. It was weird, depressing, and exciting though. I'm really excited for her. Both of us already have everything planned when we both go off and return from our respective adventures. We're gonna have soooo many stories, oh man. Billy came over a little while after and we drove to Laurie's house for the night of everyone just getting drunk. Alex, Laurie, and Stephy were already helping themselves to drinks and in the jacuzzi when we got there, Zacktell and Paul showed up soon afterwards. So we played beerpong (which failed epicly), swam, drank, eat, drank, jacuzzi'd, smoked, drank. I had a lot of fun last night, I want it to happen again as soon as possible.

The week has been alright. Evolution is going well I guess. I have a presentation next week in section discussing this article, and the article looks RIDICULOUSLY mundane. Fuck. Nothing else has been happening really. I'm kinda getting over it, and I mean it this time! No point wasting my time anyways. Its just nice to know that I've made it this far, that yeah things don't always work out, but you always come out of a situation like that more aware, more prepared I guess. And if I can slowly get over it, then by the time I leave for Costa Rica the whole situation should blow over. See what happens when I get back?

Seton came back today! This is the first time in a while that the whole family is back. My mom was so happy when she noticed, then 10 min. later she and my dad left to go to the Hollywood Bowl haha. Oh and we got WiiFit today! I'm not gonna play for the next couple days though :(, I was doing some new exercises the other day and I guess I overly worked muscles in my legs I didn't even know I had. It hurts to walk. Brendan, Seton, and I went to get dinner tonight at Asuka. Mmm sushi. Everyone in the family is going to Italy next Wednesday except for me and my dad. Dad is recovering from the surgery but we're making him stay and obviously running around Italy for 2 weeks is not what his body needs right now. Yeah, it really blows that I'm not gonna have the house to myself. But I can't be stupid about it, I'm much more comfortable having my dad here than having him all over Italy. Tricia and the gang are coming next weekend or the week after next or something. I'll tell my dad once the family leaves and we have the house to ourselves. I'm sure it'll pretty much be the same as having the house to myself though? Eh, legitimate compromise I suppose.

LA is boring. I have no influence here. I have to push myself sooo much harder to work out. Up at Santa Cruz I'd have the thought of going to the gym then in my head I'd be immediately excited just thinking about the gym. I'd eat healthy up there, not over eat, eat when I'm supposed to. Down here all there is to do is mope around and eat. Sure I would go out if I could, but I'm the youngest one in the family so I'm last to get an available car. Going out with Billy and Claudio and Jake is fun though. Up at SC I always wanted to draw or do more and more art. Down here I don't wanna touch the stuff. Drinking and smoking is getting more intense now, there literally is nothing else to do and it helps me sleep, because well, my insomnia becomes a terrible condition during summertime. Well I don't have anything to write about. I'm getting pretty anxious for Costa Rica. Plane tickets and everything are settled, now I just have to go out and bye whatever I might need. Which is everything. Yay.

I'm gonna go hookah mah brothers in the backyard. KBYE

Nothing is scarier than the present day.
As chill as this week of relaxing has been, its been hell. I thought I was over so-and-so. I kept thinking to myself, no worries, its all gonna be alright, everything fixes itself in the end. Why do I have to wait to the end for something to fix itself? I just want to be happy. I just want to be HAPPY. As a child we're used to thinking happiness is within an arms reach throughout life. Yet as we grow older with life we're finally able to look over that facade and realize that that scenario is never the case. People spend their entire lives searching for happiness, for those epicly intense moments of purity that simply cannot be explained by any language. Reason this week has been hell is because I've had so much time to think. Those times after you're done with a chore or a task and you sit down and think "What do I do next?" or "What do I wanna do now?" have been replaced with "Why did I ever meet you?", "Why did I think we were going to be happy with each other?" In every single possible way I could safely say that this summer is not what I expected. I expected to be happy, carefree, out and about, not distracted by liking someone and thinking of them almost everyday without even realizing it. And I can't help but feel like all the signs point to just go after it, that I have nothing to lose. Unfortunately I have a lot to lose, so it feels at least. This summer I've realized happiness is not within arms reach any longer. Adulthood has struck me hard, and it blows.

I just want to be happy with this person. It seemed like the pathway was paved that one night in June. Everything fit in its right place, every single puzzle piece fit together simultaneously in front of my eyes and it was the most pure, carefree happiness I ever experienced. The present seemed set, my loneliness appeared to just disappear through a matter of texting. The pathway of my life I've been following seemed to veer off some stray path and go towards this path of happiness, where everything seemed perfect. Then somehow I veered off that path days later to find myself in the middle of a desert of no paths, no footprints. Leaving me stranded and having no place to go, no direction, no one around to ask for help. Just me and my own mind to make decisions and help make a new path. And it was at this point that I realized adulthood strips you of the arms reach of pleasure. You're fucked, so deal with it. Shit happens, move on. Yet I always have this problem of me not wanting to move on. I constantly look back at the good memories I had with this person (or like back then, that person) and it gives me hope. False hope, because I fail to realize its all in my head. All that hope just comes from me looking back on just memories, thinking that its all going to return to that soon. I'm a fucking idiot.

As I was chillin with Claudio, Bettina, Patricia, Jake, Paul, Zack, and Kara this past week I've had amazing times with them, all of it being really chill and relaxing. Yet in the middle of all this fun my mind can't help but stop midway and begin thinking about so-and-so. While everyones on the same page and laughing, I'm laughing too on the outside, acting like I'm following the story, the joke. But in reality my minds racing because there is no one else out there that has attracted my attention more-so than, well, so-and-so. It's hell, but it feels so nice. After that one moment I began to expect a lot. All my thoughts were future expectations between the two of us and just daydreams. Unfortunately I failed to realize that by just expecting and expecting, I was leaving more and more room for disappointment, for me to fall harder and harder from thoughts that at the moment got me higher and higher. Yes, I do realize that last sentence has a lot of doubles.

Dad is having his surgery tomorrow. I'm glad I spent the night before with Zack, Paul, Claudio, and Brendan. Just all of us hanging around, hookahing. I haven't told any of my friends that my dad is having surgery. And I don't know why. Probably because I'm a person thats out there to make people feel happy, so its not my place to spread bad, negative news to people that I love. Why would I do that? This is what I've been living with. If I can make someone smile then thats made my day, if I've managed to make someone sad, disappointed, or mad, it kills me. But in the end, who am I supposed to go to for help? Well in that department I'm fucked. Story of my life. Anyways. I've been thinking of how difficult tomorrow is going to be for a long time. I hope, can only hope, that everything will turn out ok. Its gonna be my mom and I outside the hospital room while my dad is wheeled in. Brendan will be at work. Victor will be on the other side of the country. Seton will be in San Diego. Its my job to comfort people, to help people, to at least try to make everything better. But its always different for family, because when they're depressed I get depressed 10 fold and I'm utterly useless because I can't help myself, I just crash. So when I see a family member cry I feel like all barriers of protection are gone, and I'm just vulnerable, so I just start crying ruthlessly. I love my friends just as much, but for some reason its different, even though I consider my friends my family as well. See like that puzzle piece that I mentioned up there, after that weekend pieces began to disappear, not get lost. See if they were lost, then that would imply theres a chance of finding them once again. But if they vanish, then what? Ever since then my jigsaw puzzle was seemingly complete that night, pieces have been vanishing and I've been losing hope, losing confidence, losing courage, thus losing my ability to retain happiness.

Thats all I need now. Courage. Hope. Then comes confidence. Then comes happiness. See I try to talk myself through difficult times, especially when there is no one to talk to. Though, ironically, there is everyone to talk to, its just my inability to open up that fucks me over. So I've put up this wall, and I'm depending on my friends and family to break it down. For that person to break it down and force me to open up, just letting it all out. Its hard to tell who out there cares that much to break it down and just talk.

This summer needs to improve.
My optimistic exterior can only last for so long.

LA has been treating me well.
I got back Sunday. Drove back with Claudio, Brian, and Jake. Got back home around 9pm and met up with Brian and Jake for dinner at Mr. Noodle in WW. I've been trying to work out in some form or another ever since I've been back. I miss the UCSC gym soooooo badly, I definitely took all those times I could have gone for granted. And I find it funny that I went more often when I lived off campus as opposed to living on campus. Quite ridiculous. Well I've basically been going out to dinner in WW or Ventura every night since I've been back, chilling with Claudio and Jake everyday, just hanging out and enjoying our free time. Shark Week this week has been intense, its even better watching it with Claudio just because we always point out ridiculous stuff in the background or something we can laugh at. I've just been trying to be out of the house as much as possible. On another note I miss the Science Illustration classes like crazy. I was scared when they were over because then I wouldn't have anyone to draw for, no one to try to impress, no deadlines, no one to push me. Another reason I don't like LA (or at least home/being around home): nothing to push me or influence me to go that extra mile or do something I wouldn't ordinarily do. Yeah, it sucks. I volunteered at my dad's lab again today, did stuff with the Rhesus data again, then moved on up to analyze the rat data (with black lights in the background ooooh). So I was in this small lab room, by myself, with 4 monitors and 2 modems, my iPod, hundreds of electronic and scientific instruments to finding the ins and outs of any spinal cord or physiological puzzle dealing with rats. Just me sitting there, listening to "New Slang" and I just got lost in the moment again. THAT moment, the one thats caused me so much stress and anxiety and happiness. I'm always telling myself that I'm over it or that I've moved on and then moments later I find myself rethinking about it again, about this person, about how we could have been happy. Nope.

I bought this book at Borders today, Evolution's Rainbow. Bernardi recommended it all to us at the end of 20C during Winter quarter. My dad and I went to go pick it up after we dropped of Pablo, his longtime friend, and a neurophysiologist centered in Mexico City. I was speechless when dad told me he used to be the chair for the Science Advisory Committee for the President in Mexico about 10 years ago. Not only could I think of how amazing an accomplishment that was but also about how for me, 10 years ago, I was just a kid. Thinking about absolutely nothing except stuff that astonished me. No responsibilities, no drama, no money real life issues to be dealt with. Just me, my friends, and our ridiculous imaginations that would provide endless entertainment. I even remember Billy and I laughing about how stupid adults are: they worry about every single little thing in life, even the little things that don't matter or have anything to do with your happiness or bare survival. I remembered that thought when I was sitting in the lab and realized I was stressing over countless things I had to do today, this weekend, next week, and a couple weekends from now. Then I was like oh yeah, I'm 20, I'm an adult, so here I am worrying about useless shit that doesn't need to be analyzed right here and now. Ironic.

The last days up in SC this past weekend were awesome. I was soooo happy to show Brian, Claudio, and Jake the redwood forest, aka my backyard up on campus. We all partied Friday night too. The three of them got in earlier than expected, so Kevin and I rushed back from Tammie's place as soon as they called. Kevin and I were chilling at the beach, laughing at the Homo oceanus species wading thru the water and wishing to grow fins once again to return to its bounty. Plus we had waterbottles full of rum and coke so that could have helped. Theeen we turned around and Blue Oyster Cult started playing on the beach. Kevin and I agreed that since there were 100s upon 100s of tourists there, that in and of itself sufficed as an adventure, trying to maneuver around the boardwalk with all these fat tourists anywhere and everywhere. But seeing Blue Oyster Cult, hearing the cowbells, haha pretty epic. And the concert was free too! Such a chill night. Right, so after visiting Tammie, we rushed back to the house and everyone was already there! Brian, Claudio, Jake and I went to eat at Taqueria Vallarta. Sooooo good. Later that night was party at mah house woohoo!

So the next day we took our adventure through the forest. But beforehand we all got coffee at Lulu Carpenter's! We bought our tickets for the Dark Knight right before and saw it at 630. In all it was Kevin, Monica, Tricia, Tracy, Shusuke, Jenny, me, Jake, Claudio, and Brian. I loved seeing my LA friends and SC friends all together too, enjoying each others company :). After the movie Tricia and Tracy left with Kevin and Monica so the rest of us went to eat at Taqueria Vallarta again haha. Rowe and her friend Katherine met up with us and chilled for 20 min or so. Sunday we all left SC around 1pm. Thanks to waking up late and packing last minute. All three of them were amazed at how epic the 101 was compared to the highways they took on their way up haha.

Well thats about it. Mom told me this morning Aunt Bertie had to put Max down :(. I'm gonna miss that little dog, basically the entire family's dog. It's gonna be weird not having the disposer of all crumbs and leftovers around at all the family parties anymore :(. Hope this weekend is epic, there are many reasons why it should be so. I'm crossing my fingers this time around.