"There was no place for me, so I had to make one for myself...

Gotta Figure This Out

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 07:59:13 GMT

Hi! Or as Jessica puts it. HAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!
Hahaha. Wow so second entry of the year. And its March 2nd. Alright, well my entry streak hasn't been as amazing as I had hoped. So the quarter is going by crazy fast, but everything else is going by slowly for depressing reasons. Its been a really weird quarter. Winter quarters are always not for me, and when applying to CR, living in CR, and having those 2 weeks at home I always suspected that this quarter would be very hard for me for various reasons. And it has been. Really has. Its been taking such a toll on me that I told my parents I'm getting anxiety again, and my mom went ahead and called the family doctor again for a prescription to Xanax. Again. We'll see how things go. I'm not too into taking it again, and getting addicted. I don't even have the TIME to take it. Maybe having the option right there will be enough to calm me down. We'll see how things turn out.

Love life isn't getting any luck. Don't know where I stand with a lot of things. I don't like liking people, because it never turns out the way I was hoping for and never goes my way. But enough of that. Things happen for a reason right? Can't be emo forever. ANYWAYS. Classes are going meh, I'm not doing as well as I was hoping this quarter, boo. Hopefully I can still pull of As in the classes that I need them most in. I NEED to. Oh and I also signed up for classes last week for Spring quarter '09. Ridiculous. Last quarter of junior year I'm taking: systematic botany + lab, plant disease ecology + lab (with Gilbert again a year later. awkward), and introduction to wines and wine chemistry (for my last GE!). Score. But 19 units. Um, shit. Well its all plant sciences stuff so it'll be nice to get working on my second major. Animal physiology with Williams is really fun, the class is great and the subject is sooo easy for me, wahoo! MoMI is alright, Chau and I die in class everyday. Behavioral neuroscience is fun, its hard as hell and everyone did poorly on the 2nd midterm because all that information at once is ridiculous. But he assured us we still have chances at getting As and doing well, so I'm studying for that final already. Its awkward/interesting studying for and memorizing chapters on emotions, memory, language, etc. I really like it though so we'll see how this turns out. For the paper my group and I are working on odor memory and all the vivid memories that come back when the olfactory system is aroused from a single scent. Finally get to research something thats always been on my mind.

Animal phys with Christine, Cristina, and Marcus is real fun, its nice to have a taste of Costa Rica every TuTh. And not to mention that I'm living with Sean, and Sara. So being at my apartment is always really fun. So much fun that I don't get much work done. Well I don't get much done anyways because I'm distracted. And that needs to end. Having fun with my friends totally makes everything so much better. On Saturday I went to Valley Fair in SJ with Tricia, Robert, Jessica, and Jamie and I had soooo much fun. Tricia bought me jeans!!! My first pair of jeans too, wow I never thought that would happen. She bought me 2 shirts too, woooow. And I got some other stuff as well. I told my mom the day after that I went shopping and she was so excited and surprised. Well the whole day was spent at Valley Fair, Urban, and Tricia's cousin house for his 18th bday. The whole family was there and there was soooo much food, it was so nice. They were all so welcoming and nice aw it felt like the mexican side of my family it was a really nice feeling. After dinner and taking out foodz, some of which I haven't tried before, we all went to Target to pick up some shiiietz. Then we drove back to Pac Shores and I went with Shu and Wu to Safeway to prep up for the crazy party that went down that night. Ridiiiiiculous party at Pac Shores. I wish I remembered it all but its all good, I remember most of it haha. I had so much fun though I really want it all to happen again soon.

The gym has been fun. I like going and I feel so happy every time I leave. I hate the bus system so I just decide to walk all the way home on TuTh. Its real nice. And next quarter I can do it three times a week easily because of the MWF class that I'm specifically taking for that reason! Now I can't escape and be a fatass on the couch as much. I'm seeing improvements, and I only go twice a week, imagine three times a week! Yaaaay. Well I'll shut up about this, I feel stupid talking about it haha.

I've been kinda missing home too. Seton has moved to Australia. Neal, my relative in NC had surgery last month to get a lemon-sized, malignant, aggressive, rare tumor, removed. I don't know the status of it all yet, but it scares me all the time. The family has had a lot of hits since I've been back from CR. Which doesn't help me at all. Doesn't help any of us at all really. There's just too much stuff going down in my life to prevent me from being happy and relaxed, I don't know why its turned out like this. I'm trying my hardest to prevent myself from breaking down and losing it. Thats already happened once this quarter over being emo from so-and-so. I feel ashamed over that too. I told myself I wouldn't let myself get to that and look where I ended up, and look at me now. Greeeaaat. Fml. Now that seems appropriate huh?

I can't believe we're in the 8th week of the quarter. You serious. Last quarter seemed like an entire year and now this winter quarter seems like it just started. I don't know what to do with myself these days. I need someone to tell me everything is going to be ok and be there for me. The person I imagined it to be seems to not be the person I thought they were. Which is probably the one thing thats hurting the most. If you want to know, don't ask, don't beg, don't bother me at my every whim to know about this all. In due time. In. Due. Time. I have trust issues and have had them since thaaat incident in high school, so it all makes sense right? And I'm also afraid of vodka, bad things always happen when I have vodka. Random yes, but totally appropriate at the same time.

If you have to ask, you'll never know.

A Day in the Life

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 23:40:08 GMT

Hi?
Its been a while. Awkward. (what if I was serious). ANYWAYS. Wow last time I updated was mid-way thru Costa Rica. Whats happened since then? Well the rest of the program went by. Which meant tests, getting closer to my new bio-nerd friends (dad was right I developed some lifelong friendships over there), lived at my homestay and had a little brother and little sister (I was finally the oldest sibling! It felt awesome, finally knowing what its like), traveled to Penas Blancas and back (most intense hike of my LIFE), did my research on pollen diversity between hummingbirds and nectarivorous bats in Monteverde (which meant mist-netting for them both at dusk and dawn and catching and handling hundreds of them-FUCKING AMAZING), writing my 27 page research paper and presenting it at the symposium, traveling to Arenal Volcano, Zarcero, and going back to San Jose with the group. Program ends. We laugh, we cry, we say "I'm gonna miss you a lot" over and over. We experience it all and Sean and I leave Hotel Cacts to take a taxi to the airport. The taxi having like, 5 air refresheners inside it and on our way to the airport Sean and I have a talk on who we liked, didn't like, and who we wanted to talk more to, concerning people in our program. Good times.

When I got to the airport Brendan scared me in front of luggage and though it was nice reuniting with my family, it was quite odd and awkward. Being home for those 2 weeks post-Costa Rica was not. Fun. At. All. It wasn't just the reverse culture shock knocking on the door and kicking my ass, it was also just the being-thrown-back-into-normal life kinda deal. Wasn't really ready for it, what I was ready for was Santa Cruz and reuniting with my friends up there, who I also like to consider family, my family. Being in LA for those 2 weeks proved to me that I'm just not that into it anymore, I don't like the place, a lot of the people, their intentions and priorities, and just what they're doing or lack thereof. I've lost those connections, those solid foundations, possibly because I've changed. Or like what my friends up here in SC have said, I've "matured" and just "grown up" but still the same me. So I'm happy that not ALL of me has changed. And yeah I've lost weight, but its not from being anorexic, bitch please. I worked HARD to get where I am today, I've been working hard and dedicated since summer to just be healthy and fit. I mean come on, I'm young. I don't want to be this age and unfit and not happy with who I am. I can get away with being quick and agile and hyperactive now, so I'm going to take full advantage of that option and do what I can to be healthy! And its working, even when I stretch it feels absolutely diviiiine. I just feel so much better its odd. Oh so New Years was fun too. My friends and Brendan's friends all over and all of us just getting drunk and having a great time :). Another epic New Years indeed. Days later I was all packed up and ready to leave LA for SC. Shusuke picked me up and we drove up in his dad's pickup truck!! Aw memorable road trip, it was fun. So we get up there and I spend the weekend at Pac Shores as Sean and Sara are moving their stuff in at our new place on Grandview St! ITS SO NICE. I love it. We partied with Tricia and David that weekend and just caught up on partying that I missed with them last quarter.

I finally move into my place, get my OWN room all nice and set up 'n shiiiiiet. School started soon after I got here. Right on the 6th I had 2 classes. I'm taking Animal Physiology + lab, Behavioral Neuroscience, and Music of Modern Israel. I'm loving the classes and the teachers. Though MoMI can be kind of dull. I'm REALLY happy I have that class with Chau. I have Animal Physiology with Terrie Williams and I sit with Christine, Cristina, and Marcus everyday, so I have a little bit of Costa Rica with me all the time. Reverse culture shock is pretty much gone, but I still wonder if its still here and there or if I use it as an excuse for when I'm feeling out of it or odd or just not as content as I thought I would be here. Who knows. Oh and I realized I REALLY hate liking people and "playing the game" with someone, its not fun and I always get hurt, so Sean, maybe you learned something about 4 years ago from this time or didn't. But remember that everything is going to be ok. Ugh. I just want to be happy, I don't know why thats so hard for me to experience. Sure I experienced the happiest I've ever been in Costa Rica. Knowing what its like to be happy with who you are, with people that love you no matter what, with a job that you would like to do for the rest of your life, and in an environment that you were developed perfectly for? I thought I had it all. And then I came back to Santa Cruz and realized there was one thing missing from that (what seemed like) pristine part of my life: someone to be happy with. Ever since I've been back in SC its been hell because thats all I want: someone to be happy with. Living here, and especially living with a happy couple, makes it even harder to deal with.

So I've been going through, day by day just trying to take it easy and have time answer the question: "Is it mutual? Or can it ever be mutual?" Torture. Thats all it is. Times like these I hope the saying "you have to walk through hell to experience heaven" is true. I can only hope so, and put myself out there even more to see if theres a response. Hopefully I'll capture their attention. I'm tired of using the "Oh I'm too busy with school" excuse, its not even true, even with my two upper division bio classes (that I NEED As in because my dad is friends with Terrie and my other prof knows my last name and knows of my dad-oh god). Will anything ever happen? Does this person like me back? Are my friends right with the "just take it slow" approach? See this is what I've been going throuuuuuugh its not fun. But I am loving SC more than LA, but a lot less than CR. Agh. BUT. The friendships I've developed up here in SC have become even better because a solid foundation has been set, we talk about our deep feelings and stuff that connects us, and I never really had that back at home? Eh, thats life I guess.

So Sara has left for Costa Rica, leaving Sean and I all by ourselves.....Wooooo party!!!!! Just kidding kids, we love Sara and miss her a lot. Sean and I are always fatting around but we're allllwaaaaaysss laughing and just having a ridiculous time whether we're just sitting around or studying intensely for a midterm the next day. Oh and I've been going to the gym after class on Tuesday and Thursdays, its a good routine, but I want to go one more time over the weekend but I never do. Booo. Whenever I get out of the gym it never coincides with the 20 schedule so I end up walking all the way back home from campus. Thats riiiiiight aaaalllll the way back home and it feels so nice! The walk is pretty nice too, through a eucalyptus (MYRTACEAE) forest. I love my neighborhood too. I miss last year at the apartments though, so content. And that last week of sophomore year :(. That was a good week. I miss not knowing that person. Ever since my life has just been some indirect rollercoaster of what?huh?why?when?WHAT? Its shitty. But Costa Rica happened and that was definitely a lot more worth it, it was life-changing! So I shouldn't complain. And LA was so not life-changing that I'm staying up here all summer. Kara didn't like that, but she'll visit and I'll go down to visit her as well. Family? Uhh not so sure. Yeah I miss them a lot but I mean c'mon, I'm the total blacksheep in that family. Talk about awkward.

Well a lot more shits gone down since my last update. I've had the livejournal for 5+ years now. A little more entries and I'll get to 1000 entries, my goal for this livejournal. Technically I would be closer, but I cheated and actually physically wrote IN a journal in Costa Rica. Journaled every night there. Every memory accounted for. And for chagus? Who knows. Either way I'm gonna live my life from now on as if I did have it: only 20 years left to live so might as well pack it full of the best moments anyone could ever experience right? I'll be living pseudo-Chagly from now on.

I hope things look up.
I hope its mutual.
I just want to be happy... Lets do this.

Costa Rica

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 23:55:06 GMT

So here I am in Monteverde, Costa Rica!
All 33 of us students are in the station and we're raving over how amazing it is to have technology, dry clothes, hot showers, and connections to the outside world. If it was up to me I'd like to have been away from the technology for another week or two, but hey I need to connect with people and let everyone know I'm alive!

The past 3 weeks have been the most amazing weeks I have possibly ever experienced. From San Jose, to Pitilla (station in the rainforest near Nicaragua), to Cuajiniquil (small fishing village on the Pacific coast) and homestays, to Isla San Jose (essentially an archipelago off the coast where its basically tropical paradise), and now Monteverde/Santa Elena. The things and places I have seen! Costa Rica is epic beyond belief and I'm definitely going to have trouble coming home. The animals I've held and have been able to be within inches of! We're under Dengue fever watch right now, we find out whether we come down with symptoms within the next 4 days, so its kinda the moment of truth. An outbreak occurred in Cuajiniquil so we're all paranoid/laughing about it. Kinda like the Chagus situation. I miss everyone so much, and I'm thinking of everyone in SC almost everyday, I'm looking forward to the day I get to see them all again. But yeah, here I am! Chilling in the cloud forests of Monteverde and I have a healthy amount of bug bites all over, its fun.

Its weird using internet. I'm kinda not really into it at the moment. Give me an update on facebook kids! And Tricia or Shu or Jenny or Monica or anyone from SC who is reading this, please let other kids read this if they want to or if they want a quick update! Internet is really slow and not available that often here at the station so unfortunately communicating will be a little hard, but I will definitely try! And I'm working on the postcards! Love all you guys, miss you a lot, hope you're all having a great quarter and having fun! Peace!

Peace U.S. Hello Costa Rica

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 03:19:27 GMT

SO.
I leave for the airport for Costa Rica in an hour. Hoooooly shit. I don't even know what to say. Last week I went up to Santa Cruz to visit all mah friends and that turned out to be epic and a completely satisfying way to end the summer. Some people cried which was depressing, but I assure you all I will be back as soon as you know it. I left some things unfinished which is what I didn't want to do at all this summer, so I guess you can say that all but one of my missions were completed for this summer: leave and have someone to come back to. The crush situation from the beginning of the summer gave me hope that that might actually be the case, that I WOULD have someone to come back to. But alas, knowing my luck, nothing happened, and my lack of courage determined my future once again. So I have questions left. I'll have these questions and wishful thoughts in my head while I'm in Costa Rica. Sitting. Thinking. Wishing, that I will experience what happiness is with another individual when I get back. But you know, this could just be expectations and more wishful thinking. Soooooo I'll try to set that all aside for know and grasp reality once more.

I'm about to leave the United States for 2.5 months and whoa. First it was 8 months, then 5 months, then 3 months, then 1 month, then 3 weeks, then 1 week, then 3 days, then 1 day, then 1 hour. Damn. Time flies. I'm gonna miss the SC and LA kids so much. I do already. I know they're there for me, so that'll help me get by. I expected to write some long, epic entry but it seems that won't be the case. I started and finished packing today. Thats talent! Oh and if any of you know if 1 bd apartments up at SC will open up November, December, or January let me know! I'll be looking myself but I'm gonna need some help. Yay Craigslist. I might be living with Jamie, Shusuke, and Sabba when I get back though. That would actually be a lot of fun. Hm. Well anyways I should get going. I have this long, epic journey in front of me and I don't know what to say or expect. Kara said leave with no expectations, so thats exactly what I'm doing. I got a haircut today, its SO short. I got my new glasses last week, I look like an indie nerd. And I have an almost completely new wardrobe. Damn.

I don't know what to say right now. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm happy. I'm curious. But I'll be living life the way life ought to be lived. I'm gonna miss them all so much.

So, here I go!

Thats Bothersome.

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 03:59:31 GMT

LA needs to be more exciting.
It's failing to attract me back, failing to make me want to come back from any such break away from college. People here have changed, I've changed. We've changed for better or for worse, eh but thats life right? Natural divergence. I'm spending my nights here either hanging by myself and reading books (Evolution's Rainbow) and looking at books I wish I had time to read before I left or going out with the UCLA kids or with Brendan and Rocio. During the day I'm usually at the lab, sitting in front of a computer in a lab full of geniuses and then there's me, like "Hi?", commonly on Facebook and digitizing videos, taking my dad's money. Yay? I hate how my mom said "No" to me going out and finding a job when I came back late July, instead she believed it would be a better idea to work in my dad's lab the rest of the summer. Note to self: never listen to your mom again Sean, by now, I think you know what's good for you and what's not, what YOU want and what you DON'T want. No one down here knows who I am or what I'm really like. Which, currently, I am completely content about because honestly, well, not down to say that here. Word spreads, and I know who spreads it down here, so not down to talk to them either! Costa Rica is coming up quickly, I wish I could just be up in Santa Cruz now, then leave for Costa Rica from there. I wish a huge whale could just pick me up at the end of the pier at SC and then we'd have a jolly old time swimming to warmer waters and pristine beaches. Ah divine. As you could probably tell I'm updating because I'm bored and procrastinating on packing. Oh random note, my friend Ashley is selling me her 30 Gb iPod for $125 when I go up to SC. PERFECT. My iPod is about to kick the bucket anyways, and is only 20 GB. Boo.

This weekend is the Monterey Jazz Festival. Hope its as fun as the other years. For some reason I'm not looking forward to it as much as I thought. I mean, there is my own personal, good-bye adventure to Santa Cruz right after to say bye to my favorite kidlettes (going to miss them more than anything), then back to LA (boo, not looking forward to that), then my life in Costa Rica officially begins on the 29th/30th. I kinda wish Evolution was still going, there's is absolutely nothing exciting to do here in the middle of Los Angeles. It's funny how I've already decided to stay up at SC next summer. Yeah, Los Angeles has disappointed me THAT much. This year I've finally realized I need to say FUCK OFF to whatever is not making me happy, and embrace what does. It REALLY hit me when I turned 20. Knowing that I could no longer blame my problems on teenage angst or go about life with that lalala-I'm-a-stupid-innocent-teenager-I-can-get-away-with-anything-I-want attitude. Life is growing up fast, so that made me realize I need to go after what, and WHO makes me feel "happy, and nervous, and weird." You know, that feeling, whether its something or someone. But as days go by down here, I've realized more and more who I've become, who many people have become, and our different outlooks on life and how they are completely different, consisting of drastically dissimilar priorities. At first it scared me and I had no idea what to do. But now, haha now, it couldn't make me happier because I know what I want and who I want to be around. I'm glad this slapped me in the face before Costa Rica, because it would be a terrible thing to realize right when I got back from living abroad for 3 months. That would be a mind fuck, along with the reverse-culture shock I'd be going through then.

So much for things going smoothly before I leave here..........................Oh well!

September So Far

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 22:41:12 GMT

So a lot of shits gone down since August 31st.
And its fucking nice as HELL. Well since then the Evolution class at UCLA has ended, had my final last Thursday and I was studying practically only 2 days beforehand. Which was weird for me, usually I'll study a week before then freak the shit out the night before, but neither of those happened. I felt comfortable with the material, which is expected, because it IS my major so if I failed at it then what? 99% on the first midterm, 91.5% on the second midterm, and the final was easy as FUCK. Walked outta that classroom like "BAAALLLIIIINNN" (haha Robert). Wow I'm glad I don't use that word seriously. However, UCLA classes? Never again. The UCLA bio and pre-med students are not really, um, nice? I believe they talk to their books more so than human beings. Oh and the last lecture in evolution was all about human evolution which interested me very much so, ironically, because I always thought "Ew humans, yay tropical biodiversity!" Damn I sound like a bio douche. Well I'm gonna get to what's important.

Mom and Brendan came back the day before my final, last Wednesday. It was good to see them but I was kinda depressed? I honestly don't know why. I never said bye to them before they left for their trip, so I never said bye to Seton before he left for this trip and his epic Europe adventure afterwards. He's off on his own traveling around Europe, he said he hopes to be back for Thanksgiving. Actually no, my mom said he better be back by then. I'm not even going to have a Thanksgiving. Different. Or Halloween. Really different. Well it should be worth it. So I'm not going to see Seton till December 15th, when I come back from Costa Rica. Oh and 2 weeks from today I leave. On the 29th. Fucking weird! I feel like it hasn't even hit me yet haha, leave it to the night of or the day before for me to fall to the ground due to a panic attack. I'm gonna be nervous and on edge the entire time getting there but I'm sure once I'm there I'll be in my element. Assuming so, actually I hate assuming, so scratch that and replace it with "hoping". I hate expectations, because for me it always leaves room for disappointment.

EAP keeps sending all of us Monteverde students new emails and new stuff to send in. Why last minute? They told us to buy snorkel/mask/fins because during the first 2 weeks of the program while we're hiking around the different ecosystems of Costa Rica we're gonna be snorkeling 7 out of the 14 days we're there. Woohoo! But still, I need to buy more shit. And turns out I don't need to bring as much clothes as i thought. Hm. I just hope I bring what's necessary and enough of it. I still don't know how much to pack, damn EAP. I think I might go up to SC after the Monterey Jazz Festival. I might go up to Lafayette with the Millers first then go down to SC, who knows. All I know is that time with just the SC kids and I is absolutely required before I leave. I miss them all so much, weird to think that I haven't been up there since I left in July. Thats disgusting. It was chill seeing Tricia, Tracy, Mitchell, Jamie, Jessica, and Devin though. Monica said she would look around the apartment complexes near hers on Felix St. If I can get my own 1 bdrm place close to friends off-campus and is centrally located my life would be complete. Though living with Jamie, Sabba, and Shusuke would be pretty tight too. I'm down for that too but I'll wait to see how the 3 of them hold up living there. All I know is that 1 month living in a living room was enough for me. From time to time I'll just daydream about having my own place when I come back from Costa Rica, then I get carried away and develop wishful thinking. I'm trying to quit with this "wishful thinking" shit, its royally fucked me up this summer, intense mind fucks. Especially concerning the summer crush I had that we both thought was gonna end up making this summer diviiiiine, but now look at us :(

Oh and playing WiiFit almost everyday is definitely helping me tone down. I've lost almost 10 lbs. from when I started playing it in mid-August. Weird. I'm actually finally being active because I want to, and its so satisfying after every workout. I'm actually conscious of everything I'm eating now and how much of it I'm eating, so the right proportions are definitely helping it along. I've been on the treadmill a lot too and out back on the machines. I'm noticing differences too, and I'm flexible as hell because of the yoga on WiiFit haha. Stretching feels AMAZING all the time. Sure I won't have the body I want by the time I get to Costa Rica, but all the hiking there and me feeling anxiety leading to loss of apetite (unfortunately) in the beginning will help somewhat. Don't worry I'm losing weight and gaining muscle mass the HEALTHY way, I know mah shiiiiet and have dignity. Wahooo this makes me happy :)

This summer has been more than revealing though. People have told me I'm good looking and/or hot? Where the fuck did that come from? Spent my whole life up to when I heard that thinking I'm no where near that and ugly. Now THIS was a mind fuck as well, going from me just being there to people all over me, its nice, knowing that I'm wanted (to some extent), but all of this happening at once confused the hell out of me, actually it still is. The only reason I've grown up so insecure is because Brendan and Seton. I'm not blaming them for anything, its just me comparing myself to them, every girl melting in front of Seton and I'm just standing there like...hi??Alrighty! Then everyone telling me my brothers are so hot, then there's me on the sidelines like, uhhhh k. Then suddenly this person has a crush on me and I knew this person seemed kinda shallow so when this person told me I'm like uhhhhhhWHAT. Then the parties at UCLA. Now the "thing" this person and I have (read below). This is by far the weirdest and most revealing summer I've ever experienced.

I've been working in my dads lab a lot. I thought I would be getting more shit done and more hours in, but no. I need money in my bank account. This lack of money will probably be the reason I'll only be able to stay in Santa Cruz for 3 or 4 days and not 6 or 7. I guess its a good thing? Being there for longer than 3/4 days will just make me get used to Santa Cruz way too much before I leave. Hmm what else has been happening. Haven't drawn a THING since the Science Illustration classes July, see? LA leaves me with no influence, I fucking highly dislike it here. All I know is that next summer I'm going to be in SC the ENTIRE time, fuck LA. Oh I've been talking to Kara a lot, talking to her about what and who has been annoying the fuck out of me, how much we miss each other, how much I want her to meet all the SC kids (they'd LOVE her) and how much shed' love them, and about Boulder. She loves it over there and she's really happy, so I'm happy. Nothing much has been happening besides that. Oh I have a "thing" with someone. :). And its EXTREMELY nice being with this person and having someone to finally TALK to. The whole summer I've been in dire need of a one-to-one epic conversation about anything and everything with someone. I can safely say it has rescued my summer from being epicly boring and uneventful. Spend my time looking in the mirror before I leave the house JUST to cover up these damn hickies haha. And I guess I'm covering them up well because no one has noticed. And if you're reading this, with this face O_O, I'd appreciate if you don't mention this in person? Thats awkward. An unspoken rule for Livejournal, never mention in person what someone mentions in their Livejournal (and yeah I have to repeat this AGAIN here). If you want to know then you'll have to wait to find out or just continue waiting. If you have a feeling I'll bring it up to talk to you about it, then yeah I probably will, but only in person, so consider yourself lucky.

But, if you have to ask, you'll never know.

Epic Weekend

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 00:50:18 GMT

This summer is pretty weird.
A month goes by and towards the end of it I'm always like, wow I didn't really do much this month, but then something EPIC happens. One thing, right in time, to completely make the month worth it. Something happened in June, in July, and last night something happened right in time for the end of August. Weird, but pretty fucking awesome! ANYWAYS. This weekend was perfect. Tricia, Tracy, and Mitchell headed down to LA on Wednesday night and when they got here I took them in the "Pri Pri" to Ralph's in WW to get some food. When we got back we all had a little food party in the kitchen mmm.

On Thursday I had my second midterm for evolution, it went pretty well! But it was another 2 hours of just writing about evolution, my eyes weren't really cooperating after staring at 8 pages of short answer questions. My teacher gave me a really weird/happy/excited look when I turned in my exam, I kinda laughed oops. Afterwards I drove back up to the house and met up with the kids that just woke up haha. The four of us had lunch at "MISTA NOODER" (Mr. Noodle) and they liked it! We walked around WW for a bit and hung out in Urban. Some kid called me Brad Pitt. o_o. Next stop was 3rd Street Promenade and we walked into every brand name store possible yaay haha. We all saw some really interesting and scary people, but by the time we left all of us were starving and kinda over walking everywhere. But it was quite quaint walking around with the SC/SJ crew, had fun :). Next stop was Ralph's to pick up groceries for dinner, we were cooking dinner for pops. I went back down to WW to pick him up and get a 30 pack for that night mmm. Tricia, Tracy, Mitchell, Huong, Billy, Jackson, and Jake were all over it was pretty cool all over us grilling and then sitting down to eat outside. We hookah'd some and then played some beer pong. First time I drank with Jackson too so that was pretty epic! We all got a little drunk but not too crazy. I mean I had to celebrate, midterm was over and good friends were in town, woohoo!

On Friday the four of us went down to WW to pick up Huong and all of us ate at Elysee Cafe. SO DIVINE. Afterwards we chilled in Starbucks for a bit and then headed back up to the house to meet up with everyone again. Jackson, Jake, Billy, Jamie, Jessica, and their friend Sarah all came up to the house! Once we were all there Mitchell was playing some Wii Fit and soon was "over it" haha. We took 3 cars to Zuma Beach in Malibu. Now this place, DIVINE. Almost all of us got in the water once we arrived and at first it was freezing cold, but soon got over by swimming away. The waves were epic, the sky was like a painting; it was chillest time I've had all month. SC and LA kids around at the same time and we're all just having a good time, perfect. The group split eventually, as everyone except me, Billy, Jake, and Jackson left to go eat at Rosco's Chicken & Waffles. The four os us stayed till the sun went down and we all went back into the water as it was happening. The reflection of the reddish orange sun on the water and waves was so fucking epic I couldn't even take it. The only thing I could think of was that if I thought this was epicly amazing, then what the hell are the beaches in Costa Rica gonna look like? Especially at sunset. Oh damn haha. All of us were craving Gushi (the restaurant haha) so we drove straight there. Once that food was devoured and once a crackhead ran by screaming "OBAMA STOLE MY WIFE" then we knew it was time to leave. Round 2 was tonight so it was everyone from last night plus Claudio, Jamie, Jessica, Sarah, and Huong's boyfriend Corey. We hookah'd again and chilled outside, went inside and played some beerpong. The LA kids left pretty early, so the rest of us continued the party and just talked/chilled the rest of the night, pretty coo pretty coo!

On Saturday, yesterday, the four of us went down to eat in WW again at Noodle Planet. Made a trip into Aahs, then headed back to my house. It was time for Mitchell, Tricia, and Tracy to leave and head back home. Sooo depressing haha, but it was great seeing them and having them over. The house was SO quiet when they left, boo. I spent the rest of the day playing Wii Fit (INTENSE). My dad and I had dinner at Spazio's, a jazz club and restaurant. Dude I loved it so much, just my dad and I having dinner talking about his childhood to today's politics to any friend issues that might have been down, all with this epic jazz band and their singer going all out, so relaxing. The food was divine too. When we got back to the house I chilled for a bit online, then went out to a party at UCLA that my friend invited me too. It wasn't as, actually hahahahaha it was as intense as the last party I went too last weekend. I'm kinda proud of myself for putting down my guard or any form of being nervous and just going with the flow. Last weekend I went to this party that Lance invited me too and I only knew him there, so I ended up meeting 59283423 people all on my own! College has definitely upgraded my social skills thats for sure. Then I went to a party last night too and I kinda missed it, but right when I walked into the apartment this guy threw up all this liquid right in front of me. I immediately though, THANKS!? But it didn't touch me so its all good. But other than that the night was pretty intense, definitely one to remember.

Other than everything thats been happening, I've kinda been attempting new things, or at least noticing old things about myself that I never liked that prevented me from experiencing life in general. Its a pretty epic feeling to let your guard down, just do it, and have that amazing I'm-so-fucking-happy feeling right afterwards, just because you tried something new. That crush I had this summer is over, long gone, and I couldn't be happier with the way it turned out (at least for the summer) because I learned a tremendous amount about myself. Sure there is always going to be some form of disappointment left from it all, but why waste my time sulking over it? Its funny how all these things-from extremely good to extremely bad-are happening right before I leave for Costa Rica. Then I'm gone for 3 months, all by myself. And I mean, me, with 29 other UC students all going to Costa Rica to study Tropical Biology? I'm definitely going to meet some lifelong friends there, and it can only make my life better.

Wow this year is definitely turning out to be something I never expected.
:)

Life This Summer

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 05:40:52 GMT

So this summer has been kinda dull.
Eh, oh well, shit happens right? I'm trying my best to make the best out of it, but its hard to keep putting on a happy, satisfied face. You can only do that for so long. Last night was pretty epic though. Actually all of yesterday was. I had class in the morning (it was alright but had no part in how awesome the day was), and afterwards Kara and Barbara picked me up at UCLA and we had lunch at Feast From the East. We drove back to their house where we all helped Kara pack, it was her last day in LA. She leaves for Boulder today at 4:30am so she should be there by now. So Kara and I spent the day together and when we drove back to my house we decided to drive all the way to the end of the street and just talk at the epic spot for a good while. After all the shit thats been going down, I am SO glad I have her around and that we're, yes, bfffs haha. When we got back to my house she said bye to everyone and then I said bye to her as she drove off. It was weird, depressing, and exciting though. I'm really excited for her. Both of us already have everything planned when we both go off and return from our respective adventures. We're gonna have soooo many stories, oh man. Billy came over a little while after and we drove to Laurie's house for the night of everyone just getting drunk. Alex, Laurie, and Stephy were already helping themselves to drinks and in the jacuzzi when we got there, Zacktell and Paul showed up soon afterwards. So we played beerpong (which failed epicly), swam, drank, eat, drank, jacuzzi'd, smoked, drank. I had a lot of fun last night, I want it to happen again as soon as possible.

The week has been alright. Evolution is going well I guess. I have a presentation next week in section discussing this article, and the article looks RIDICULOUSLY mundane. Fuck. Nothing else has been happening really. I'm kinda getting over it, and I mean it this time! No point wasting my time anyways. Its just nice to know that I've made it this far, that yeah things don't always work out, but you always come out of a situation like that more aware, more prepared I guess. And if I can slowly get over it, then by the time I leave for Costa Rica the whole situation should blow over. See what happens when I get back?

Seton came back today! This is the first time in a while that the whole family is back. My mom was so happy when she noticed, then 10 min. later she and my dad left to go to the Hollywood Bowl haha. Oh and we got WiiFit today! I'm not gonna play for the next couple days though :(, I was doing some new exercises the other day and I guess I overly worked muscles in my legs I didn't even know I had. It hurts to walk. Brendan, Seton, and I went to get dinner tonight at Asuka. Mmm sushi. Everyone in the family is going to Italy next Wednesday except for me and my dad. Dad is recovering from the surgery but we're making him stay and obviously running around Italy for 2 weeks is not what his body needs right now. Yeah, it really blows that I'm not gonna have the house to myself. But I can't be stupid about it, I'm much more comfortable having my dad here than having him all over Italy. Tricia and the gang are coming next weekend or the week after next or something. I'll tell my dad once the family leaves and we have the house to ourselves. I'm sure it'll pretty much be the same as having the house to myself though? Eh, legitimate compromise I suppose.

LA is boring. I have no influence here. I have to push myself sooo much harder to work out. Up at Santa Cruz I'd have the thought of going to the gym then in my head I'd be immediately excited just thinking about the gym. I'd eat healthy up there, not over eat, eat when I'm supposed to. Down here all there is to do is mope around and eat. Sure I would go out if I could, but I'm the youngest one in the family so I'm last to get an available car. Going out with Billy and Claudio and Jake is fun though. Up at SC I always wanted to draw or do more and more art. Down here I don't wanna touch the stuff. Drinking and smoking is getting more intense now, there literally is nothing else to do and it helps me sleep, because well, my insomnia becomes a terrible condition during summertime. Well I don't have anything to write about. I'm getting pretty anxious for Costa Rica. Plane tickets and everything are settled, now I just have to go out and bye whatever I might need. Which is everything. Yay.

I'm gonna go hookah mah brothers in the backyard. KBYE

Happiness?

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 08:21:19 GMT

Nothing is scarier than the present day.
As chill as this week of relaxing has been, its been hell. I thought I was over so-and-so. I kept thinking to myself, no worries, its all gonna be alright, everything fixes itself in the end. Why do I have to wait to the end for something to fix itself? I just want to be happy. I just want to be HAPPY. As a child we're used to thinking happiness is within an arms reach throughout life. Yet as we grow older with life we're finally able to look over that facade and realize that that scenario is never the case. People spend their entire lives searching for happiness, for those epicly intense moments of purity that simply cannot be explained by any language. Reason this week has been hell is because I've had so much time to think. Those times after you're done with a chore or a task and you sit down and think "What do I do next?" or "What do I wanna do now?" have been replaced with "Why did I ever meet you?", "Why did I think we were going to be happy with each other?" In every single possible way I could safely say that this summer is not what I expected. I expected to be happy, carefree, out and about, not distracted by liking someone and thinking of them almost everyday without even realizing it. And I can't help but feel like all the signs point to just go after it, that I have nothing to lose. Unfortunately I have a lot to lose, so it feels at least. This summer I've realized happiness is not within arms reach any longer. Adulthood has struck me hard, and it blows.

I just want to be happy with this person. It seemed like the pathway was paved that one night in June. Everything fit in its right place, every single puzzle piece fit together simultaneously in front of my eyes and it was the most pure, carefree happiness I ever experienced. The present seemed set, my loneliness appeared to just disappear through a matter of texting. The pathway of my life I've been following seemed to veer off some stray path and go towards this path of happiness, where everything seemed perfect. Then somehow I veered off that path days later to find myself in the middle of a desert of no paths, no footprints. Leaving me stranded and having no place to go, no direction, no one around to ask for help. Just me and my own mind to make decisions and help make a new path. And it was at this point that I realized adulthood strips you of the arms reach of pleasure. You're fucked, so deal with it. Shit happens, move on. Yet I always have this problem of me not wanting to move on. I constantly look back at the good memories I had with this person (or like back then, that person) and it gives me hope. False hope, because I fail to realize its all in my head. All that hope just comes from me looking back on just memories, thinking that its all going to return to that soon. I'm a fucking idiot.

As I was chillin with Claudio, Bettina, Patricia, Jake, Paul, Zack, and Kara this past week I've had amazing times with them, all of it being really chill and relaxing. Yet in the middle of all this fun my mind can't help but stop midway and begin thinking about so-and-so. While everyones on the same page and laughing, I'm laughing too on the outside, acting like I'm following the story, the joke. But in reality my minds racing because there is no one else out there that has attracted my attention more-so than, well, so-and-so. It's hell, but it feels so nice. After that one moment I began to expect a lot. All my thoughts were future expectations between the two of us and just daydreams. Unfortunately I failed to realize that by just expecting and expecting, I was leaving more and more room for disappointment, for me to fall harder and harder from thoughts that at the moment got me higher and higher. Yes, I do realize that last sentence has a lot of doubles.

Dad is having his surgery tomorrow. I'm glad I spent the night before with Zack, Paul, Claudio, and Brendan. Just all of us hanging around, hookahing. I haven't told any of my friends that my dad is having surgery. And I don't know why. Probably because I'm a person thats out there to make people feel happy, so its not my place to spread bad, negative news to people that I love. Why would I do that? This is what I've been living with. If I can make someone smile then thats made my day, if I've managed to make someone sad, disappointed, or mad, it kills me. But in the end, who am I supposed to go to for help? Well in that department I'm fucked. Story of my life. Anyways. I've been thinking of how difficult tomorrow is going to be for a long time. I hope, can only hope, that everything will turn out ok. Its gonna be my mom and I outside the hospital room while my dad is wheeled in. Brendan will be at work. Victor will be on the other side of the country. Seton will be in San Diego. Its my job to comfort people, to help people, to at least try to make everything better. But its always different for family, because when they're depressed I get depressed 10 fold and I'm utterly useless because I can't help myself, I just crash. So when I see a family member cry I feel like all barriers of protection are gone, and I'm just vulnerable, so I just start crying ruthlessly. I love my friends just as much, but for some reason its different, even though I consider my friends my family as well. See like that puzzle piece that I mentioned up there, after that weekend pieces began to disappear, not get lost. See if they were lost, then that would imply theres a chance of finding them once again. But if they vanish, then what? Ever since then my jigsaw puzzle was seemingly complete that night, pieces have been vanishing and I've been losing hope, losing confidence, losing courage, thus losing my ability to retain happiness.

Thats all I need now. Courage. Hope. Then comes confidence. Then comes happiness. See I try to talk myself through difficult times, especially when there is no one to talk to. Though, ironically, there is everyone to talk to, its just my inability to open up that fucks me over. So I've put up this wall, and I'm depending on my friends and family to break it down. For that person to break it down and force me to open up, just letting it all out. Its hard to tell who out there cares that much to break it down and just talk.

This summer needs to improve.
My optimistic exterior can only last for so long.

Oranges & Mint

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 01:46:04 GMT

LA has been treating me well.
I got back Sunday. Drove back with Claudio, Brian, and Jake. Got back home around 9pm and met up with Brian and Jake for dinner at Mr. Noodle in WW. I've been trying to work out in some form or another ever since I've been back. I miss the UCSC gym soooooo badly, I definitely took all those times I could have gone for granted. And I find it funny that I went more often when I lived off campus as opposed to living on campus. Quite ridiculous. Well I've basically been going out to dinner in WW or Ventura every night since I've been back, chilling with Claudio and Jake everyday, just hanging out and enjoying our free time. Shark Week this week has been intense, its even better watching it with Claudio just because we always point out ridiculous stuff in the background or something we can laugh at. I've just been trying to be out of the house as much as possible. On another note I miss the Science Illustration classes like crazy. I was scared when they were over because then I wouldn't have anyone to draw for, no one to try to impress, no deadlines, no one to push me. Another reason I don't like LA (or at least home/being around home): nothing to push me or influence me to go that extra mile or do something I wouldn't ordinarily do. Yeah, it sucks. I volunteered at my dad's lab again today, did stuff with the Rhesus data again, then moved on up to analyze the rat data (with black lights in the background ooooh). So I was in this small lab room, by myself, with 4 monitors and 2 modems, my iPod, hundreds of electronic and scientific instruments to finding the ins and outs of any spinal cord or physiological puzzle dealing with rats. Just me sitting there, listening to "New Slang" and I just got lost in the moment again. THAT moment, the one thats caused me so much stress and anxiety and happiness. I'm always telling myself that I'm over it or that I've moved on and then moments later I find myself rethinking about it again, about this person, about how we could have been happy. Nope.

I bought this book at Borders today, Evolution's Rainbow. Bernardi recommended it all to us at the end of 20C during Winter quarter. My dad and I went to go pick it up after we dropped of Pablo, his longtime friend, and a neurophysiologist centered in Mexico City. I was speechless when dad told me he used to be the chair for the Science Advisory Committee for the President in Mexico about 10 years ago. Not only could I think of how amazing an accomplishment that was but also about how for me, 10 years ago, I was just a kid. Thinking about absolutely nothing except stuff that astonished me. No responsibilities, no drama, no money real life issues to be dealt with. Just me, my friends, and our ridiculous imaginations that would provide endless entertainment. I even remember Billy and I laughing about how stupid adults are: they worry about every single little thing in life, even the little things that don't matter or have anything to do with your happiness or bare survival. I remembered that thought when I was sitting in the lab and realized I was stressing over countless things I had to do today, this weekend, next week, and a couple weekends from now. Then I was like oh yeah, I'm 20, I'm an adult, so here I am worrying about useless shit that doesn't need to be analyzed right here and now. Ironic.

The last days up in SC this past weekend were awesome. I was soooo happy to show Brian, Claudio, and Jake the redwood forest, aka my backyard up on campus. We all partied Friday night too. The three of them got in earlier than expected, so Kevin and I rushed back from Tammie's place as soon as they called. Kevin and I were chilling at the beach, laughing at the Homo oceanus species wading thru the water and wishing to grow fins once again to return to its bounty. Plus we had waterbottles full of rum and coke so that could have helped. Theeen we turned around and Blue Oyster Cult started playing on the beach. Kevin and I agreed that since there were 100s upon 100s of tourists there, that in and of itself sufficed as an adventure, trying to maneuver around the boardwalk with all these fat tourists anywhere and everywhere. But seeing Blue Oyster Cult, hearing the cowbells, haha pretty epic. And the concert was free too! Such a chill night. Right, so after visiting Tammie, we rushed back to the house and everyone was already there! Brian, Claudio, Jake and I went to eat at Taqueria Vallarta. Sooooo good. Later that night was party at mah house woohoo!

So the next day we took our adventure through the forest. But beforehand we all got coffee at Lulu Carpenter's! We bought our tickets for the Dark Knight right before and saw it at 630. In all it was Kevin, Monica, Tricia, Tracy, Shusuke, Jenny, me, Jake, Claudio, and Brian. I loved seeing my LA friends and SC friends all together too, enjoying each others company :). After the movie Tricia and Tracy left with Kevin and Monica so the rest of us went to eat at Taqueria Vallarta again haha. Rowe and her friend Katherine met up with us and chilled for 20 min or so. Sunday we all left SC around 1pm. Thanks to waking up late and packing last minute. All three of them were amazed at how epic the 101 was compared to the highways they took on their way up haha.

Well thats about it. Mom told me this morning Aunt Bertie had to put Max down :(. I'm gonna miss that little dog, basically the entire family's dog. It's gonna be weird not having the disposer of all crumbs and leftovers around at all the family parties anymore :(. Hope this weekend is epic, there are many reasons why it should be so. I'm crossing my fingers this time around.

20th Birthday

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 07:28:55 GMT

Life's been pulling itself back together.
I've still been needing one on one talks with people, to not only catch up and form that bond, but to open up, for myself. At times I feel like I took the situation way too seriously or I went into it expecting anything and everything to happen. I kinda didn't expect it would happen and we would say so much. then barely communicate. Looking at everything though, I definitely sense tension. I'm just wishing it will disappear by the time I leave for Costa Rica. Sure as hell I don't want to spend my 3 months on the other side of the Americas thinking of so-and-so.

My birthday was a success! During the day, lets see, no class so I woke up around 1 probably. The AFSCME strike was going on and I bumped into Devin so I walked with her and Matt, striking, for 20 minutes or so. I didn't want to directly cross the picket line so I walked to the arboretum and remembered that time Monica and I walked around it, so thats exactly what I did. Took that path and WALKED all the way up to the gym. With Bert, Monica's iPod, and I downloaded "Australia" by The Shins on my phone and played that too. Just me, the music, and nature. Soooooo relaxing and peaceful. I knew immediately that today was gonna be a fuckin awesome day. After the gym I walked back down and once again, me, the music, and nature. So nice. Went back to the house, shower, then headed downtown to get art supplies, scratchboard and Xacto knives. I met up with Mitchell, Tracy, and Tricia downtown and we ate at Taqueria Vallarte mmm. Veronica and Alex met up with us and we all just fatted there. After that the four of us drove to Sushi Totoro and met up with Shusuke, Jamie, Andrea, Monica, and Rowe! So it was all 9 of us for dinner at Totoro!! They took me out to dinner too (THANK YOU) and we got fat. We took a lot of pictures and the waitress took our polaroid pic too! Our picture is to the left of the Totoro shirt ad. Its weird that it was my 20th birthday. It felt different of course, but nice? I was just happy to be with everyone :). They sang happy birthday to me too! Two times!! When we got back to the house some people drank, I had to because, well, yeah. Only 3 shots of tequila for me that night, I had class the next day at 9am. I don't think I'm capable of drawing hungover yet. Mitchell did a sweatshirt striptease too. Hawt. Then we made some music videos. "Bossy". And took some pictures.

I had both classes on Thursday. Practiced on scratchboard which at first I absolutely hated. I drew a picture of Tails and started scratching out the head on a practice sheet and it ended up looking like a demon squirrel. As I was walking out of the room I turned back and walked up to Ann Caudle (my teacher for the second science illustration class and the Art Director for the graduate program) and told her when was a good time to meet with her and that I sent her an email but she never responded. She seemed shocked that she never got an email, but I got to the point and told her that I really wanted to meet with her to show her my portfolio and get to know the program a bit better. She seemed really excited to meet with me one-on-one and get to know me better. Then I told her I'd love nothing more than to be in the program, and she responded with "Well don't worry, you will fit in perfectly." I walked out of the building with the BIGGEST smile I've had on, since, well, June 14/15th. It made my day and its definitely something I'm still happy about.

Well the weekend was ridiculous, as usual. Saturday I headed to the beach with Rowe, Monica, and Jamie and we basically went there, took pictures, looked at the epic views of Laguna Creek beach, had our water bottle of Rossi, then headed to Safeway to get foodz. When we got to the house people started cooking and eating already, but I didn't eat much because I just wasn't hungry (bad move). Devin and Matt showed up. Brought ingredients necessary for Irish Car Bombs. I had 3. Within 5 minutes. Then took many shots. Then smoked in the tent we set up in the garage downstairs. I smoked with Devin and Jamie a loooot that night. I spilled beer on Rowe's foot and laughed at that for a good while. Then dogpiling went down. Then blackout-ness. Then I remember puking in the bathroom twice. At least it was under control, and not everywhere or on someone. But after that I was supposedly really like "Awww damnit" that I threw up. First time I've done so from alcohol, but I'd say this time it was from the lack of eating beforehand. Eh, first time for everything I guess. After that we watched some of Teeth then Elf. Overall it was Devin, Jamie, Matt, Monica, Shusuke, Andrea, Rowe, Mitchell, Tracy, and Robert. Unless there were other people and I severely blacked out. Oh I remember pulling an unwanted couch outside on the sidewalk into the street and having a tall lamp right by it, then Devin and I sitting on it for a while haha. Pretty epic 20th birthday party though! Oh and Kevin did say that I better throw up on my birthday so yay he won haha.

Sunday morning was all of us recovering from the night before, cleaning quickly, and eating some cookies. My parents were coming soon so everyone wanted everything cleaned up, I didn't care whatsoever haha. I stayed behind while everyone went to breakfast and when my parents came I put most of my luggage into the Prius and showed then my work I've been doing. They REALLY liked it. Both of them had to head home so they left soon after. I had nothing to do so I started scratchboard. Which turned out well, or so far! Woohoo! Monica and Jamie have actual tests and things to study for, so I'm stuck down here with my art and music. Its alright, I just wish I had actual tests and assignments to keep me preoccupied, especially after whats been happening (or not happening in my life. Eh, we'll see how Evolution and UCLA session C turns out. Taking that class: to preoccupy my mind, prevent boredom, learn something that could possibly help me in Costa Rica?, have another reason not to go on the family trip to Italy. Family trips aren't my thing, and I've finally realized that after 349824 of them. People think I'm crazy for doing so. Possibly, but I think not. I'd say I'm just the blacksheep of the family, or if not that, then the odd man out. For many reasons of course.

The gym today was nice. Walking back was nice, it always is. This weekend should be fun, really fun. Plenty of booze left over too so that'll keep everyone happy. I come back down to LA on Sunday with Claudio, Brian, and maybe Jake. That car trip is gonna be ridiculous. I'm gonna miss the Minority House.

20

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 07:40:29 GMT

I'm 20 years old.
Two decades.

Haha what the fuck?! I remember thinking back in elementary school that it's a ridiculously distant time till I turn 20 years of age. Now, here I am. Look out world, Sean Edgerton is 20. I know, life changing huh? Monica and I were just chilling outside on our balcony and celebrated with my parade and Sean-celebration. We just took shots of tequila. Mine out of a beaker. Mmm tequila. Ahhhh yeeeeah haha. Well cheers to today, hope its epic! : )

This is still really weird. 20?! Damn I'm geriatric.

Escape to LA

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 07:29:17 GMT

This past weekend in LA was definitely necessary.
After my dad picked me up at Magnolia St. we drove home and I sat around the house while everyone was gone. My dad went back to work, Seton left to go surfing, Brendan was at the summer camp, and my mom was at the Getty. I slowly walked around the house, inside and out, to catch up and observe any changes that might have happened within the past 3 weeks. As normal as it is for me to take the stroll around the house after a long time away from home, it felt different. Probably because I felt different. I haven't been the same. I haven't been able to think straight and go a day without thinking about, yeah. Its times like these I wish we never met. Life could appear to be so much easier; although, I never would have taken that one step forward to where I am today without this other person, and for that, I am forever thankful for their presence. My house felt odd, I felt uncomfortable, even though it could have been the extreme change in heat conditions from Santa Cruz. It was Friday that I finally realized I had to sit down and logically sort my emotions from, well, logic and desire. Though something this big can't be accomplished within a sitting, I feel like I got something done.

Kara called me and told me she would be back around 7pm that day. It was about 1:30pm and I had nothing to do till then so I called Billy and Claudio. About an hour later the three of us were eating our chicken teriyaki bowls outside Gushi, catching up and learning about what Billy, Claudio, and Taylor have been up to for the past 3 weeks. Even though its only been 3 weeks I felt like its been the most developmental 3 weeks they, as well as I, have ever experienced in a while (in terms of new interests/hobbies/infatuations). We drove back to my place and hung out in my room, not doing much, just fattin' around. Soon after we all headed out and I drove to Kara's. Never has driving again felt so good. When I got to the Clerkin's Barbara was outside watering the plants and Kara ran out after I gave her a big hug. We walked to the kitchen where Lola kept jumping onto me and trying to lick my face (keep in mind its their dog, not another person). Kara and I drove to Ralph's and Barnes and Noble to get foodz and a movie. The movie part failed, but at Ralph's we ended up getting only the type of food that would satisfy beasts. When we got back Kara made some Margaritas, it felt sooo good with the hot weather too. We hookah'd in her sauna like old times and bumped some music too, so chill. After the fat smoke ring sesh we jumped in the pool and we immediately jumped back to childhood games we all used to play. And I don't remember the last time I was in a pool so swimming thru a domesticated body of water felt pretty nice. Divine. About an hour later Kara showed me these videos her classmates made about their interpretation of LA, and it inspired Kara and I to try to attempt something as artistic as their videos. We were getting tired, and I realized it was about 24 hours ago that I was in SC, talking with Valerie, Matt, and Joker. Weird.

After I drove home I called Billy, Jake, and Claudio and within half an hour all three were over at my house. Claudio and Billy quickly drank the screwdrivers they made at my place. I felt like driving around with them and they felt like yelling profanities at UCLA pedestrians, so it all worked out. I drove the Prius, Billy got shotgun, Claudio behind me, Jake behind Billy, and Radiohead playing in the background. Priceless. So words anywhere from cunt waffle, to tongue dart his fart hole, to mash her guts were yelled at random people. Their responses? Epic. Our maturity? Still the same as ever and I wouldn't trade it for a thing. When we got back to my place we had more to drink and we watched MXC. When the show ended they Jake went home and the three of us went upstairs to go be nocturnal.

Saturday I woke up thinking of everything again. "This isn't fair" was the first sentence that came out of my mouth, obviously it was what I was thinking-whether in dreams or my unconscious-all night. It was Kara's birthday today, but we couldn't hang out because we were both off doing our own things. Billy and Claudio were over and Jake was doing nothing so we called him and the 3 of us met up with him in Westwood and ate at Mr. Noodle, mmm. Note to self: never get the Chicken Green Curry. No. Once we finished I drove with Jake over to Billy's dad's house where all four of us swam for a bit. Second day I was in LA and it was the second time I was in a pool in a long time. It felt so nice swimming, I miss it. All we did there was swim. I had to go back home so Jake dropped me off. My family was already getting ready to go out to dinner when I got home so I quickly showered and got ready. The five of us and Rocio ate at this french restaurant right outside the main Westwood area. Pretty good! I drove home because everyone else had a bit too much to drink. Ironically we went to RiteAid to get beer. Mmm. When I got home Lizzie was there waiting and we chilled upstairs with the cookies she brought. We watched some episodes of R Kelly's Trapped In the Closet then looked at stupid myspace people thru this amazing Livejournal group. Billy, Taylor, and Claudio all came and we chilled in the backyard and smoked some, had some beers, and just chilled. Fun and relaxing night indeed. We ended up driving to the end of the street and I took them to my secret spot. I'll keep that spot for myself, Kara, and only the closest friends that choose to come over. We smoked there, talked about anything and everything, and just watched the epic view of nature in the middle of LA.

Sunday morning I woke up a bit happier than the day previously. My back hurt. The day before I was along the side of the house doing all these back and arm machines in our little "outside gym" area. Pain is good, right? At least after you exercise. Yeah anyways. My parents were about to go out, so I hitched a ride with them to the beginning of my street and I walked to Bel Air foods to get some lunch. The little bakery right by Bel Air foods closed down. I never ate there :(. I walked inside Bel Air Foods and it immediately reminded me of when I used to work there, and how much more busy it was and full of "action" compared to now, where I was the only one in the entire supermarket shopping around. Odd moment, but pretty cool. As I waited in front of the deli, looking back and forth behind the counter and along the ledges, no one was around. An eerie silence fell upon the entire supermarket. It was just me and my protein Naked juice, waiting. I immediately began thinking about what Taylor was talking about the night before, about living in the moment, and how if you do so, a single day could feel like a year. Then I realized something. When Billy and Claudio told me about how they have began to "live in the moment" as opposed to "living for the future" while at Gushi a couple days beforehand, I first thought that I had a lot of catching up to do with them to be on their level of zen-like happiness. Suddenly as I was waiting in this supermarket with this odd 28-Days-Later emptiness, it hit me that I have been unknowingly living the same exact way. Reminiscing back to the last week of school, nothing ever felt so far away. And the only reason it felt so distant was because I've been so conscious of my surroundings, of the people I've been living with, my personal battles, of all my thoughts that have troubled me since around that time, and of myself. The man behind the deli appeared out of nowhere and I ordered my sandwich, paid for it at the register, and listened to Coldplay on the walk back home. As I was nearing my house I realized I just wanted to kept walking. So I walked inside, dropped all my stuff off except the iPod glued to my ears, and kept walking. Within minutes, but seemed like forever (like I said, living in the moment), I was sitting down in front of the hill, at the epic spot, listening to Monica's iPod (thank you SO much), contemplating. After a good half hour of getting some sun while undergoing some deep thinking, I finally managed to set my mind a bit closer to the main road, away from the strayed path I've been on for the past month and a half. Now I feel like I'm not on either pathway. Just another strayed pathway between the two, zigzagging back and forth between logic and desire.

Sunday late afternoon Kara and I hung out at her place. She picked me up and had dinner with her parents at GyuKakku in Woodland Hills. We got this huge meal and didn't realize it would be so big so we ate and ate and ate. Right after dinner Kara and I were sitting in the can attempting to digest. But we were in pain because we ate waaaaay too much haha we were going crazy! Kara kept making weird noises and going out of her mind. Both of us were kinda like that actually haha. By the time we got back I drove her car and I dropped myself off at my house (technically). Lizzie, Zacktell, Billy, Claudio, and Jake all came over right after and we chilled, smoked, and had a fatty hookah sesh. Brendan had Bane over and Seton had two of our friends over! It was pretty chill having everyone out there just socializing around a hookah. Good times. Everyone in my group suddenly got up from the table and left. We were all going "on a walk." We drove to the end of my street, smoked at the epic spot, and just....chilled. I can't take it how relaxing and perfect the place is. Its amazing. So we all chilled our lives away there for a good hour or two. When we got back everyone ran to the fridge, you know haha. Then I said my byes :(.

Seton, my dad, and I left the house at 7am the next day, or actually 6 hours later. The Greyhound went by surprisingly quickly. Thanks to Monica's iPod!! I discovered some new songs that are my favorites, sooo epic on a long bus ride too. Some crazy lady made a huge fuss at SLO and they called the police on her. Owned. Then we were on our merry way. I unpacked immediately when I got back home, showered, then started working on the 4 hw assignments I had to draw by the next morning at 9am. Thats all I did that night: touched up the past two watercolorings, made a rough composition for the next watercolor, and started the coquille and prismacolor piece. Coquille's weird.

Class was decent today. Everyone liked my armadillo lizard (coquille) piece a lot. It was one of the good moments. Its the 3rd time Caudle has been impressed with my work, and shes the art director of the graduate program. I WISH I WISH I WISH. Awww man if I got into that program after I graduate that will be the BEST day of my life. Oh man I can daydream all day. I would be able to say "Yeah.. I'm a scientific illustrator", I don't know about you but to me that sounds AMAZING. Haha I can only hope. Anyways well thats about it. Strikers are going at it again at the base of campus. Its interrupting my gym time. Just kidding I support them all the way! They were the first people I heard this morning at 8am. Them cheering at the corner, at every corner on Bay and High. Ok well, we'll see whats up tonight and its my BIRTHDAY TOMORROW.

Weird.
I haven't been anxious about it this time around. Probably because I'm gonna say "I'm 20" and thats just too real and old for me just yet. Well hope my day and party will go as planned! I just hope I can see a lot of people, I need that. Alright, bye kids!

Hope

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 20:31:32 GMT

A lot has happened (kinda) since my last update.
My science illustration classes are still amazing. Caudle is impressed with my work, Bachar, well lets just say watercolor isn't my preferred medium. Art students need to learn how to socialize. There is one other bio major student in my Marine Illustration class but she is so awkward, and an amazing artist, and looking into the program too, grrr. I'll be meeting with Caudle next week I think, she really wants to see my work, hopefully the little work that I do have will impress her. Hm. Besides class all I have been doing is going to the gym. I never take the bus back to the house, I always walk back, have a view of the ocean and entire city as I'm walking down off campus, and I blast Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends on my iPod. Epic. I love going to the gym, especially when I have nothing else to do. My body feels so much better, even stretching feels amazing haha. This girl that works there from time to time keeps hitting on me...she's scary. Living with Jamie, Monica, and technically Shusuke, Andrea, and Kevin is really fun. We're the Minority House on Meder and Nobel Dr. We drink and smoke a lot. Told you that phase was thrown out the window. It sucks, but its fun...but it sucks.

So the past couple of weeks we're either complaining that we're bored, complaining that we have a lot of shit to do but don't want to do it, go exploring the coast for beautiful, empty beaches, go exploring around the park or city, or eat. It seems like there's not much to do. July 4th was fun! Fuentes and her friend Katrina came down with Mama Wu and we all spent the weekend together! We BBQ'd by the community pits, had the lawn to ourselves, played some music, drove to the beach where I discovered a completely new area of Santa Cruz, chilled at Seabright. We explored there for a while then right when we left (because we thought the fireworks show was cancelled) the show started. So we drove up to campus at this lookout point where you can see the entire city and we saw every firework that went off. We chilled on Kevin's car while he played music, soooo chill. It was my first July 4th away from the family so I'd say it was pretty successful.

My life is slowly getting back together. Well it was till the recent event, thats such a small event it shouldn't even be considered an event. The farther away the better I guess. People keep asking me about it, in person, which makes me not want to discuss even more so. Which is bad, because I want to tell people, but not when they're trying to pry it out of my head. I don't know what to do, I've been lost since then and I still am. The situation is probably so much more intense on my side than it is for the other person's. Liking someone blows, especially for me-because it never works out. My hopes go way way waaaaay up, everything seems perfect and content, and then boom. Shot down. I'm worried because how is my consciousness going to develop from all these failures? At least I can distract myself with art or the gym. Thats what I'm good at: ignoring things and running away! Yay :[

Melanie, Andrea, Sabba, and Wu came over yesterday! I met up with Sabba after class and we drove back to my place. Me, Sabba, Jamie, and Monica went to Capitola Mall to have dinner at Chilis. Fat. Everyone wanted me to stay for the weekend but it wasn't an option. Almost everyone has been asking me why I came back home to LA this weekend/today and I never wanted to say exactly why. Though some people think its to further this "relationship" with this significant other..., no. Brendan is home, Seton came home, and Victor was supposed to fly in this weekend because my dad is, or was, having surgery on Monday morning. I'd rather not discuss more of it, because, yes, I am very scared. When my dad picked me up from the Greyhound station this morning I gave him a huge hug and he got a call from the surgeon's bitch saying that the surgeon himself is having surgery and has been sick for the past 3 weeks, so operation is cancelled. So Victor isn't coming. What a weekend. I'm glad, but scared that he isn't having the procedure done. I just hope everything will be ok.

Last night after a lot of tequila, Shusuke and Wu dropped me off at the Greyhound station at 12:30am (thanks guys) and the damn bus got in at 2:34am. When they dropped me off I was the only one there. So I was sitting and this woman put her bags down next to me. Her name was Valerie. She asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed, and after a thought or two, I passed on the offer. A few moments later this homeless man came up to me, told me he has a head injury, his hand bleeding, but otherwise he seemed fine. I looked towards Valerie who kept smoking her bubbler and I turned back and the man was sitting on the floor next to me sitting cross-legged, humming to himself, eyes closed, talking to himself of how he "Wants peace. I just want peace." And I could tell this homeless man was going thru/has gone thru a lot. I tried to talk to him and calm him down, but he went dead silent, saw the many cops driving by over and over, and walked off towards Pacific Ave. Valerie turned to me and looked me straight in the face and said "Do you think all homeless people are like that?" I immediately said "Of course not." and she replied with "Good. Because I'm one of 'em. You handled that well." She began to tell me how she's lost almost everything from dope and every other drug shes overly-tested or dealed, and that shes trying to quit and move on, taking the Greyhound to Orange County to see a girl thats like a daughter to her.

Moments after that two guys walked up and stood in the line I unknowingly formed. There was a tall, lanky, talkative, chain-smoker, Matt, and a big, bulky, cholo, who went by the name Joker. Matt's girlfriend recently broke up with him so he's been trying to cope, and simultaneously attempting to become a famous writer. Joker has been in an out of jail since 1994, got out and recently found out he has a daughter, Angel. He's been sober from everything for over 7 years, and told us that after his meeting with his parol officer, he's going straight back to the stuff. Valerie tried to give him some advice, but Joker was pretty level-headed and determined to return to the feeling that meth/dope/speed had to offer. Matt began to discuss really depressing stories about when he was a paramedic. Stories about fate, about mistakes, about how all of us are going to make the biggest mistake of our lives one day, from one simple act, and it will change our lives from there on out. Matt said he made his, Joker said he's made his, and the same with Valerie. They all looked at me and Matt asked me "So what have you done? What have you done that you've fucked up on that you think about every single day?" I looked down at the blackened, old gum stained cement and tried to think of things that I have epicly failed at, but couldn't think of anything that compared to what they said. I raised my head and oddly, in shame, said "Nothing". Matt went on and on in an attempt to make me open up. I would have, if I had something to share. And it all got me thinking how my life has been so cooped up and sterile inside the gated community of Bel Air. For every country I've been to, all the people I've met, I feel like I've accomplished and experienced absolutely nothing compared to my friends and family. As I was pacing back and forth in front of the Greyhound Station at 1:46am, replaying Matt's question in my head, all I could think of was the other person, the person I've been thinking of nonstop since we met up, and how I possibly fucked up a lot. It hurt, and for the first time I realized I would have been better off if we didn't meet. But I'm soooo glad we did.

Matt asked me what I always thought I would become. I told him "I dunno, a biologist? Artist?" Matt and Joker responded with, "What's biology?" I didn't know what to say. I was dumbfounded. Then I told him "Um, I'd like to study evolution...and ecology." He began to talk about Darwinism and the three of them asked me if I believed in evolution, and said yup immediately. They asked me if I was religious and I said "I was raised Catholic, but I never believed in it." Now they seemed dumbfounded. Valerie told me after her 3rd cigarette within the past 43 minutes, "There is someone up there. A higher power." I replied with "Maybe so.", and the next topic was discussed. After talking for a while Matt said how the three of them would act as what-not-to-be role models, and how I would be a role model for them. Once again, I didn't know what to say. Matt memorized our names, our stories, or lack thereof, our faces, and what he predicts will happen to us, possibly in hopes of having it all culminate in one of his famous stories one day. That'd be interesting. Finally the bus came. Valerie, Joker, and I got on the overly-crowded bus, and I sat next to really smelly people the entire time. Matt didn't get on the bus, he supposedly didn't have a ticket and got in a fight with the bus-driver of bus 6959. I listened to Monica's iPod almost the entire way, passed out a lot, and didn't bother drinking the tequila/margarita mix that Shu made for me. I wasn't in the mood. The ride was weird, I felt indifferent. But oh, look, who else would pop up in my head besides the other person? No one. :(

Now I'm home. I wish I was distracted back up in Santa Cruz.
I hope my birthday isn't lame next week, I need it to be fun. I NEED it to.
Sometimes I wish we never talked.
I hope my dad will be ok.
I need some alone time.

New Development & the Aftermath

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 23:41:16 GMT

What hasn't been going thru my head lately?
These past two weeks, since my last update, have been sorta intense. Things have been wearing me down, but I'd have to say its mostly myself and my own thoughts that have been driving me crazy. June 14th/15th was a pretty amazing day, and I look back on it thinking "Did that really happen? Am I really this happy?" We both agreed it was a pretty intense moment. Ever since then things haven't been the same, we'll see what happens when I go back home. I hate being optimistic about situations I have no control over, but I can't help but daydream about it, randomly finding myself lost in the situation while I'm retracing my illustrations of seashells for class. These thoughts suddenly pop up and I can't help but contemplate it and rerun the entire week in my head. That last week of sophomore year was the chillest week. Ever. Hands down. For that one reason only. Its ironic, being so down to earth but always having your head in the clouds. That one day was awesome too. AGH I can't think straight. I need to move on, but I know that I really shouldn't. Dammit this feeling feels soooo good. This is torture.

So my week in LA was basically spent me working out everyday, me saying to myself that I'm over drinking and smoking, me chilling with Billy, Jake, Zacktell, Lizzie, Alex, and Paul a lot. I got a haircut too, its really short, but I'll get used to it. I saw Cho in WW too! It was good seeing her and then eating at Chipotle for the SECOND time that week. Mmm. I had a potluck/fatass party at my place on Saturday, the day before I left to go back up to Santa Cruz. Juliet, Paul, Rachel, Jake, Paul, Billy, and Taylor all came over and we smoked and ate. There was one night over break where Billy and I walked to the end of my street, had 3 beers each, and looked at the epic mountain view when there was a fatty full moon too; soo chill, just us talking about anything and everything. The Friday of that week Kara had her graduation party and my parents, Brendan, and I all went. I met some of Kara's friends that were I guess dying to meet me haha. I guess its that thing with Kara and I, we don't/haven't met each others friends, and the two of us are best friends, so everyones like "Who's this Sean guy?" and everyone on my side is "Who is Kara? When we gonna meet her!?" haha. I worked in my dad's lab all week too, made a good $180 thats probably all gone by now. Oops.. So concluding talking about that week, its basically me thinking about ( ) and that whole situation, oh and the new development, which I kinda need to keep developing, otherwise its not a new development at all is it? I just need to live my fucking life, oy.

Things have been great up here in Santa Cruz. There's definitely a different feel here over the summer: tourists, barely any students, new faces, more weird people. Oh and it seems like there's nothing to do here, even though there's soooo much to do. Living with Monica, Jamie, Shusuke, and Andrea has been really fun. We chill with Kevin a lot. Whenever we're bored we either go out on an adventure, go to the gym (I've been almost everyday since I've been back woohoo!), or play Mario Kart Wii. All of us really wanna see Teeth too, but we don't have a DVD player. Shiiiet. We partied here last night, that was pretty fun! All of us went to Curry House and then came back, when on a run, and partied! Shu and I smoked a couple times too, even at the Seabright cliff. We thought/experienced some pretty amazing stuff: Costco Galaxy, Taque Belle, Coldplay orchestra playing right in front of us, saw some crazy people. When I was back in LA, in that "I don't drink and smoke anymore"-phase, that was influenced by another person. Now that I'm not around that person anymore, so has that phase. Now I'm back to the old habits, which I'm not happy about. Problem is there is literally nothing else to do. And its worse when you have TuTh classes, no job (I've looked), and when you have insomnia.

My sciences illustration classes have been so fun!! Bachar and Caudle are AMAZING and I've been learning so much. Theres a couple students in there that want to do the program too, so finally the sense of competition gets in, which can always lead to more stress, but stress thats worth it, and stress that can distract me from..yeah. These classes are kinda intense which I love about them, and I'm trying to get to know the professors and directors of the graduate program so I can get at least a foot in the door.

This summer and last summer are ironically similar, despite their major differences.
Life is weird right now.

The New Development

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 01:32:44 GMT

June has turned out to be a pretty intense month.
Finally done with that physics final (last Wed at 8am), which meant done with physics, and done with all the lower divisions for my major. Woohoo! Wednesday night Sabba, Alex, and Tricia came over and we watched 28 weeks later James, Josh, and Andrew got back pretty drunk and were being really loud, we just wanted to see the moooviee. On Thursday we went out to dinner at Hula Grill for Heather's pre-birthday party! Once we got back to the apt we played this charades-like game with the same crew that was over the night before, and with Jamie and Christina. It was pretty fun! Once everyone left Jenny, Shusuke, Heather and I went on a cleaning spree at my place. Shusuke, Jenny, and I spent the night drinking and packing our stuff. We got soooooo drunk. I was all over the place haha. We took a lot of pictures too, I mean hey, it was our last night of on-campus life and our last night living in Apartment 3301. Good times.

Friday morning Shu and I got up early, packed the car, and drove to the public storage place to drop off our stuff. When we got back I cleaned up a little more and had an CA check me out of the apartment. Unfortunately I was still slightly feeling the effects of the previous night so I was very out of it. Alex drove up around the corner and we began our adventure back home to SoCal. The drive was sooo much fun. Such random music playing, In'N'Out and seeing a kid from my elementary school there (so weird), and talking about a lot of random stuff. We left around 12 and we got to my house around 7:30. We hit so much spontaneous traffic in SB and then suddenly at one point, it disappeared. Wtf??! But yeah, a pretty entertaining roadtrip, it was fun! When I got back to LA, everyone was busy or didn't pick up, so I was forced to bum on my bed and pass out. I slept allll night, I was so exhausted, and it was definitely one of those I-need-to-recover-from-this-quarter sleeps. Mmmm.

When I woke up Saturday morning I had the sudden urge to do immense amounts of working out all day. I started off doing as many as i could in my room, then went on the treadmill for a good 30 min, went on the machines out back, and then relaxed in the sun in my backyard. Everyone was out so I had the house to myself, which was even more nice. I went over to Kara's house afterwards and we hung out for a couple hours, caught up, and chilled in/by the pool. She has finals this coming week and then her graduation is on Friday, thats CRAZY. When I got back to my place Jake and Billy showed up and we immediately left for WW to go have dinner in WW. We fatted at CPK and Zacktell met us there! We drove back up to my house after dinner and Paul met up with us! We went to the end of my street and smoked there for a while, Jake stayed behind because his high was too intense :(. But I was texting all night haha. And wow was a lot said in a matter of minutes. Literally so much changed for me last night I'm still in complete shock and actually slightly nervous about it all. Where do I begin? HOW do I begin all of this? This is waaay to intense at the moment. Like I said, June is turning out to be quite the month.

Today is Father's day so in celebration Brendan, my mom, dad, and I went to the Getty museum and went to all these new exhibits, then had some drinks in the main quarry area. Afterwards we drove back to my house, where my parents left to go to the Playboy Jazz Festival at the Hollywood Bowl. Brendan and I watched some soccer, the game between Czech Rep. and Turkey was INSANE at the end. We picked up Brian at his house and the 3 of us spent the afternoon at Venice Beach/Boardwalk and realized that the place is a total freakshow omg. We went to the place called Aardvarks and Brendan and Brian got some clothes for their Las Vegas party in late July. Once we dropped off Brian on our way back Brendan and I got Mongol King in WW and then some munchies at Whole Foods, yum. Now I'm at home just hanging out with Brendan. I'm still thinking about everything and how intense last night was. It's a new development thats for sure, so lets make this one count.

The Chillest Week Ever

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 18:17:26 GMT

The past week has been more than pleasant. Last Monday I trekked down to the Long Marine lab in an attempt to meet up with Terrie WIlliams, a professor here at UCSC, and a long time friend of my father. She called me the night before (a professor CALLED me) and told me to head down, the next day, so thats exactly what I did. When I got there we talked in her office for a while, about science, art, and bridging the gap between the two. Then she took me around the entire lab, introduced me to graduate and undergraduate students working and volunteering there, and showed me all the dolphins, sea lions, and mentally handicapped birds. The BBC showed up to do an interview and get footage of the entire lab and it was SO COOL. Four people, from the BBC, a cameraman, interview lady, guy that holds up poofy microphone thingy, and director guy. And I met with them all and stuff!! DANG. I missed physics and so I have no idea about nuclear physics, but I think it was worth it. I came back to see the kids at Cafe Rev and talked with a bunch of people and got some insight on the science/art class from a previous art student :)!

Last Thursday was my final for Bio 166 (Plant Physiology) and it went pretty well! I checked my grade a couple of days ago and I guess I got an A- on the final, so an A(-, booooo) in the class!! SWEET. That was my goal all quarter. But yeah, big day! Big day :).

Later last week Tricia, Rowe, and I planned a bonfire at Seabright beach. It was on Friday and it was totally successful. Tricia, Rowe, Andrew, Robert, Shusuke, Mitchell, Jenny, Veronica and her friend, Alex, Sabba, Marissa, Rachel, and I, all chillin by a fatty bonfire on the beach at night. Definitely a tradition from here on out. Afterwards Alex, Sabba, Marissa, and I went to Blockbuster, got Disturbia, went back to Alex's and chilled. Later that night he dropped us both off and Saturday I did a little bit of studying. Oh and Friday night I did a little bit of partying, I mean hey, it was only 2am when I got back. On Saturday Jenny, Shusuke, Sabba, and I rented 28 Days Later and 28 Weeks Later. Alex came over later on and we all saw 28 Days Later, then we both fatted by ordering Dominos. Yay fatness. Everyone crashed and left, so sreeep time.

On Sunday Sabba, Shusuke, and I looked for houses but no luck. This housing situation is getting scary. I just hope Sabba, Shusuke, and I can manage to find a really nice, cozy, place to live next school year. And I hope my mom doesn't keep screwing my friends and I over. I already feel terrible about the whole situation. I went downtown and met up with Rowe at Jamba Juice. We studied at Borders with Vincent, Tricia, and Rowe's friend. Tricia, Rowe, and I ate at Sitar, studied more at Santa Cruz Roasting, then we headed up to campus to study at Cafe Rev. Diiiidn't get much work done at all. And this was the weekend before finals week. Oops.

Yesterday was alright too. Woke up late but just in time for Physics review session, which turned out to be kinda worthless. After that I studied for Tropical Ecology. Got a lot of shiiiet done too, mostly in my old lounge in Geneva, Floor 4. Ahhh good times. Tricia came over with groceries and we made curry and baked zucchini things, SO GOOD. Afterwards we all headed to Cafe Rev and studied some more with Alex, Sabba, Clay, Monica, and Jamie. Didn't get much work done either but had a good time. Shu, Jenny, and I headed back to the apartment and I studied more. And damn though things have been going well for me, I have had the worst sleep in the past couple of days. Probably because I'm so lost, distracted, and confused. Why all these confusing feelings, that make me feel so good? Things aren't making any sense, but are making total sense simultaneously. Its been too long since I've felt something of this magnitude, but it feels so good to see it again. Oh how its been so long.

This morning, at 8am, I had my Tropical Ecology final and it was (kinda) EASY. Sean, my TA, was handing back our analytical papers that are worth 20% of our grade (as opposed to the 15% final), and I got a 96% on it. SWEEEEEET. I wrote about the evolutionary mechanisms driving deception in orchidaceae. Oh man I'm a nerd haha. But I am done with both my upper division finals. Now I just have to worry about Physics 7B. Shit. Well I better start studying for that final...thats tomorrow...at 8am as well. On another note, I find it weird that this is my last week living in the apartments. I don't care though, it'll be nice to leave since James and Josh are being pretty inconsiderate and douchy. Wu has been a better roommate than either of them, and she doesn't even live here. The apartment is just split Shusuke-Jenny-Sean and James-Josh. If thats they way its supposed to be, then so be it. It IS the last week, so who cares?

The Weekend of Los Angeles, San Diego, Graduation, Insane Parties, & Legoland

Wed, 28 May 2008 22:04:19 GMT

20 days since my last entry.
I tend to start off entries by describing how "I haven't updated in a while" or anything relating to how little I update. Why? Its a bad habit, so I'll stop. Well, I'll try.

So a couple weekends ago was Tricia's 20th birthday party. Woo what a night. All was going well until San Jose-ans clashed with a friend of the Santa Cruzians. Which kinda put the party on hold. People were riled up and things were pretty dramatic, but I'm sure everything will recover, or at least we all hope so. But it was a pretty awesome party. First time I've seen a fight like that. With BUHLOOD, but hey, when peeps are drunk and theres (unforeseen) tension, what else can you expect? Tracy and Mitchell and I went to Taco Bell at 2am and then they dropped me off at my apartment. Josh was up, extremely drunk off tequila, and when I got back we set up the hookah and filled the water with 3/4 vodka haha. SUCH strong hits, so we got drunk, or drunker, like that. Then we preceded to yell profanities out from out balcony at 4am. Good times. Josh threw a Dominos garlic butter packet over at the other apartment across from us and even at the dead of night, or morning by this time, you could see the butter flowing down the roof. SO GROSS.

The next day, on Saturday, Andrew and David came over, and chilled with Josh, James, and I. We watched Borat drunk, via some jew wine, rossi, and a couple other bottles of wine. Borat is funny, but when you're inebriated, its EPIC. Oh man, soooooo funny.

These past two weeks have been alright. Some anxiety due to personal things, classes, exams, grades, and the impending doom of Chagus' disease that I could possibly contract in Costa Rica. I've been at the apartment a lot more lately, but looking back on this past weekend seems like I was away from Santa Cruz for weeks, a long awaited feeling, ironically. The day before I left for LA, on Wednesday, I had a physics midterm, that SUCKED.

Last Thursday Tricia and I drove to San Jose, and along the 17 we thought this guy was getting road dome but it just ended up being his poodle smiling at him (and at us when we drove by) while he was driving. But anyways! She dropped me off at Diridon, where Aunt Ava, Zack, and Jason picked me up, and we continued our adventure down to Los Angeles. We stopped by a 711 and Jason got this ICEE, tried it, hated it, then hid it behind the ICEE machine haha, leave it to Jason to do something like that. We made a pit stop in Santa Barbara to pick up Ali and I got to meet her roommates and where she lived her first year; they had a pool!!! We got in at around 6pm and I saw the family! Woohoo! Jake, Claudio, and Billy all chilled at my house later that night, which totally made my quarter, even though it wasn't at Santa Cruz. We all chilled, drove to In'N'Out and ate INSIDE (haven't done that in awhile), drove around Westwood in the Prius and yelled at pedestrians for a good 30 min, getting some epic responses. Then we drove around the Bel Air area, attempting to look at Jesus' summer home. When we finally got to the area we saw that it was completely torn up, and possibly being remodeled. We had nothing to do around these wealthy peoples' homes, so we played ding dong ditch at 2am and while we were driving around a lot of egging occured (keep in mind that I don't mean egging peoples houses, this is something completely different haha). Once we got back to my house we rolled a joint inside Billy's car, drove to the end of the street, and smoked. A long awaited smoke with my best friends during a short vacation to LA/SD = unforgettable. We played such insane music and what's a smoke session without a complete stoners observation into the universe? Exactly.

The next morning (Friday) was our trip to San Diego. So my mom, dad, Brendan, and Rocio, and I drove down. I passed out because I got only 4 hours of sleep, but whats new? So we get to SD and its raining, booo. We meet up with my cousins and aunt at our resort's Pizza Hut and we all enjoy this divine pizza for brunch. We chilled in their suite for a bit and then drove to the Cox Arena for SDSU's class of '08 graduation!! We met up with Aunt Bertie, Aunt Kathy, and Victor there and we all cheered when they called Seton's major haha. After that ceremony, which was pretty inspiring actually haha, we walked across the street for the next ceremony. This was the ceremony in a smaller auditorium, instead of the stadium before hand, and it was major specific, so they called Seton's name. Because we're crazy Mexicans and know how to make ourselves known with very loud noises, we yelled, screamed, stomped the floor, and yelled some more when they called Seton's name. We took pictures during and afterwards, hugged everybody, and just had a grand ol' time. The plan after this was to go to the Padre's game at Petco Park and meet up with the Gelbs and the Gaessers. Since it was still raining (and because its the Padres) there weren't that many people there, so we got a good protected row of seats. Seeing the Gelbs and the Gaessers was awesome, and then going to get some hot dogs and sippin on some beer at a baseball game, I finally understand why my family loves it so much. Now that I've started drinking things seems so obvious now that never crossed my mind while I was stuck in the world of sobriety. As bad as that sounds its true, and as bad as a habit as drinking is, it is perfect for making an occasion even more memorable, because everyone is on the same level, of, well, for lack of a better word, consciousness. So that game was definitely something I'll rememeber for a long, long time.

Afterwards we waited for the parents outside this bar, and then my dad drove Brendan, Rocio, Seton, Greg, Stephanie, Lindsay, and I to Seton's apartment where we chilled with Kelen the melon and some their friends. Rocio, Brendan, Seton and I took Hot Carl's car to Ralphs, picked up some handles and some beerz. When we headed back Lindsay, Greg, and Kelen were insanely baked haha. We all started drinking, played some card games (3 Man and Smoke or Fire) and a bunch of Seton's friends came over. Later that night Claudio and Billy came over and chilled with everybody. Greg and Kelen were both amazed to see them, which fully proves that everyone mentioned here really is part of the family. So we all drank, went out for a walk for some carne asada fries, baked, and watched Planet Earth on Kelens huge plasma screen/HD tv. Oh my lord. SC and SD aren't that different overall haha. Surprisingly we all woke up hungoverless the next morning, on Saturday.

After a couple of pitstops, like going to see Lindsay's parents, we drove back to the Welk Resort for Cottonheads and I got ready for LEGOLAND!!!!!!!!!111111!!!one!!1. Aunt Ava dropped Ali, Zack, Jason, and I off at the front entrance and we raided the park. Though our experience this time was much more different than the last two, we still had fun, and were amazed at the cheap ass $9 hot dogs, that when you ask for cheese and jalapenos, they give you two cups, one with cheese and one with WHOLE jalapenos. WHO DOES THAT?! Fucktards. We had a lot of photoshoots with the lego models, went on some of our classic rides, laughed at random people and things, and ate some more haha. The tea cup ride was our favorite, it was perfect for the G-force double chinned face. We had good times though.

When we got back to the resort I showered up in a shower with two shower heads!! SO COOL!! Hippies up here wouldn't be happy with that, but eh, they were miles away! When I got out and headed to the other suite with my dad and Victor, where the huge family party was being held, everyone was already there and hittin' the sauce. My dad was going to the supermarket so I decided to go with him to keep in company. The few days before my family (all except my dad) was making such a big deal about Costa Rica. I told my dad how I really felt about it and he understood me completely. Though I felt pretty bad telling him the bad news, he understood the situation completely. Back to happiness, we both headed back to the party with 3 12-packs of Budweiser, the family's beer. Soul food was for dinner, OH MAN. So here we all are: my immediate family, the Gaessers, the Gelbs, the Bourges, random other family friends, Debbie and Billy, Claudio, my aunts, uncles, and cousins, everyone except the little ones drinking to make an occasion more memorable. It really was a beautiful night, a definite bonding experience for everyone. Especially for me since its the first time drinking with everyone there. People made speeches, especially Seton because he made three haha, and I even made one! I hope it was good. But everyone was talking into the empty, yellow grappa bottle like a microphone haha. It went around the room, not to everyone, but to a fair share of people. :).

Ali, Billy, Claudio, and I chilled outside for a bit and my Aunt Kathy gave us two wine bottles to finish off. Everyone was dumping fruit pieces into their wine glasses by the end of the night because there was definitely a surplus of strawberries and blueberries. Mmm. I don't know what else to say, besides that it was an EPIC night. Yeah I love that word. I played this quarter and cup drinking game too. I sucked in the beginning but got really good towards the end, making everyone drink mwahaha. Later on, around 3am, people started leaving and others started going over to our place to continue the party. Claudio, Billy, and I disappeared to go smoke on the resort's golf course. Woohoo!! So cool!!! We got back to our suite and continued the party, there was even Franzia to be had haha. I finished a couple more Newcastles, then realized we were gonna smoke more, so I filled my empty beer bottle with wine haha. Yeah, pretty awesome night. Surprisingly, once again, we woke up hungoverless.

That day, on Sunday, I drove up to SC with Aunt Annette, Uncle Dan, and Annika from San Diego. Such a long drive, and it seemed even longer because of my dead ipod, but it was good catching up with them. It was definitely needed. And the ride straight to SC was greatly appreciated. I got back to Santa Cruz around 7pm. That night Rowe came over, so did Mike, so they chilled with James, Josh, and I at our apartment and Rowe and I drank 40s. Yay. We made brownies too, mmmmmm. The next day my Brassinosteroid group from Plant Phys came over to my apartment and we finished the powerpoint and rehearsed our presentation!! It should go pretty well! After they left I headed over to Fuentes' with Shu and we "read" for TropEco. We didn't get much done, but we did do the quiz. I did alright on it, booo.

Yesterday was regular. TropEco at 8am, PlantPhys at 10am, and section at 2pm. It felt so long since I've been in any of those classes, the weekend was that amazing that I kinda forgot about everyTHING here. Since I've been back, Santa Cruz hasn't been the same, I've been looking at colleges in San Diego, especially for graduate schools. or maybe undergrad? Sure I need to experience a lot more there, but it definitely seems like another home away from home. This a very interestingly new development in life, that this time, I'm definitely going to pursue. But days up here seem so boring compared to everything else. Maybe the weekend was just that epic, just giving me a permanent memory so I can never forget it. At least I have that.

This morning has been blagh. I took the 20 down to the Long Marine Lab, waited there for 20 min. to see if Terrie Williams would show up, and no show. I was running back to the Route 3 bus stop, and this elderly woman stopped by me and told me she'd give me a ride, and since I only had a couple minutes to get to the stop, I immediately offered. She was so nice, and experience that showed me a lot. I took the 3 to downtown, picked up some applications, got Lonely Planet's book on Costa Rica, and took the 16 back to campus. So here I am finally updating, and going to physics relatively soon. Nice, long update eh? Later kids.

The Aftermath

Thu, 08 May 2008 20:25:51 GMT

Today (so far):
Don't know why I'm updating about my day today already, I mean it is only 12:12pm. Yeah, I'm bored. Uhh, had TropEco then PlantPhys. We got our midterms back for PlantPhys! I got a B+ (we weren't given our exact number grade). I hate myself for not being very satisfied for this grade, again, I guess a big part of me wanted to show Goff that I'm intelligent and a worthwhile student. Yeah, I'm trippin, again, but I'm never satisfied with what I do. Thats what hurts me the most :(. For section later today we're going to the greenhouse on top of ISB. Didn't even know one was up there. Hopefully I'll be able to get that greenhouse position over the summer (thanks Shusuke!!).

Yesterday (Wednesday):
Woke up at a really laaate time. I felt kinda worthless. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm lucky for being able to sleep in so late, but I find it ridiculously annoying. Only because the trap my bed puts on me keeps me from getting out of it, just because I don't haaave to get up early. My bed is like "Huuugg meeee!!" and when I wake up (numerous times every night, by the way) I'm like "OOK!!" and fall right back to sleep. Oy. I could be accomplishing so much more, buuuuut no. So I had physics at 3:30. We're doing light/refraction/mirrors/lenses kinda stuff. I remember a lot from Schalek's but then again, this book is very different from the one we used in high school. Which is unfortunate, because now it seems like completely new material. Physics sucks. I hope I can manage a good grade this quarter then I'm be DONE with physics and DONE with all the lower division requirements. And it only took me half my years of college to do so. After class Jamie and I did prelab for physics lab and watched Animal Planet. Hippos are so fat, I love 'em. I went to lab but Jamie ended up not being able to sign into mine, so he's not gonna be there anymore. I worked with some random guy that was late and he was completely clueless, so it took us all 3 hours. When I got back Sabba and I ate at the DH and then did homework at Cafe Rev.

Tuesday:
Had TropEco. I got an A on my midterm because of the curve. Though I was happy, the asshole attempt of a perfectionist in the back of my head wasn't satisfied. As of now, all I care about is being prepared for Costa Rica. PlantPhys was so boring, for the first time too. All these mechanisms for flowering and learning where leaves grow on the plant and why and what every zone is called.....not ballin'. Sabba, Kevin, Jamie, and I went downtown to go check out the open house for a house by Bay and Mission. I guess it went well? There were so many people which sucked, and honestly, we didn't look professional compared to everyone else. Oy. Section for TropEco was boring, like always. I had nothing to do afterwards so I went to talk to Goff in her OH. We talked for a good 30 min about everything. Subletting, housing, family, SCIC interests, traveling, Costa Rica, cameras/lenses, classes, Planet Earth and Secret Lives of Plants, and I forget the rest. Shes such an awesome professor. She even recommended me for anything Terrie Williams might need. Williams is a EEB professor as well here at UCSC and is good friends with my dad (yay connections), so I might get lab or job opportunities!!! SWEET.

Later that night Tricia picked Rowe and I up and we went to Safeway. Before we left the lot we stopped by the Tropical Fish store (that actually has A LOT more than fish), and saw a tank of baby chickens and ONE baby duck. I almost bought the baby duck because how cool would that be?! Hmm its a possibility. If I bought it I'd name it Chicken. Or Nugget. Hmm. Debacle. Tricia, Emily, and I made japanese curry and Emily made this bombass upside down pumpkin cake thingie. SUPERB! We all felt completely bloated, and the aerosol can of CoolWhip didn't help us much. When I got back to campus (thanks for driving us Tricia!!!) I did physics hw, booooo.

Monday:
Went downtown at 10am to mail stuff off to UOEAP from Fedex/Kinkos place. I felt like an idiot because I had no idea what I was doing. Oops. When I got back Tricia and I had a divine lunch at Joe's and then we chilled at my apartment until we had class. We played Brawl and during one of the matches she said "KING DEENDEENDEEN" which eventually led to a picture being placed on one of our kitchen cabinets of King Dedede with Paula Deens face taped to it. Classic. Then we printed out a pic of Bobby Flay which ended up on the toilet. And a diviiiine picture of Mario Batali went on the bathroom door. Why all this? We were bored haha. So worth it though. I had physics later and we got our midterms back. I got a 76, but its a B+ because of the curve. Yay. Unfortunately I wasn't happy with it though. I guess I just have to get used to this.

Sunday:
Recovered from the night before. We put the tent away finally, that thing was up for a good two weeks. I ended up just reading and doing homework all day. What else are Sundays for? Putting together all the EAP documents was a bitch. But I got it all done.

Saturday:
David, Tricia, and I went on a day trip to San Jose! We chilled at Tricia's place for awhile and played with her ewok and Zoey. We went out to get pho and it was DIVIIINE. Sooo good. I finally had pho and it was epic. After that we chilled some more at her house, then we went out with her cousin to "stop by Starbucks". The car came back to the house with 20pks, couple handles, couple rossi jugs, oh and a couple Starbucks drinks for proof. Score for alcohol runs. I've had ridiculous amounts of alcohol in my room since then. Don't worry all that mentioned above is not all mine. When we got back we formed a mini party at my place and chilled for the rest of the night. Good weekend though!

I've been indifferent towards a lot of things lately. Lately I've noticed that I really don't give a fuck when it comes to people being weird. I've gained some fememies this quarter, mostly on accident. So when people blow up these little things, or specifically blame me for something that was definitely a group effort, why would I go up to them to solve the problem when the problem occurred without my knowing in the first place? People don't make sense to me, which is the one reason why I'm not majoring in psychology. I can't stand dipshits. So if anyone out there is having trouble with me, expect to keep it because I'm sure as hell not adding more drama into my life. There aren't many people here that I can talk to. And its hard to communicate with people back home because I can't keep track of everyones schedules, everything seems to conflict. The dynamics of my friends have changed dramatically since Fall quarter. Sure I'm happy where I am now, but why is it so hard to meet new people nowadays? A change is needed once in a while. Being away in Costa Rica will definitely break me down, but I know I'm going to come back a completely different person, which I am fully prepared for. My life is changing, and I'm it do so, because well, I'm not happy where I am now. Instead of using my energy to keep me in the same place, I'm finally letting some more influence into my life.

I'm tired of this Red Queen shit. My life seems to revolve around it:
"It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place."
I hope this changes. I hope a lot changes.

Midterms OVER

Sat, 03 May 2008 21:29:40 GMT

So all three midterms are over.
Trop Eco and Plant Phys went better than expected, and a lot better than physics. Fuckin physics. So before the midterms all my week consisted of was intense studying. Claudio almost came up this weekend but I guess something came up. Yesterday after class everyone was kinda sitting around being like agh what are we gonna do its Friday and we have no booze. Boo. It was kinda lame. We eventually got our hands on booze so it was all good. David brought over his little brother and his friend and we smoked in the tent. Yeah the tent is still up, its been up since 420. Speaking of 420, that new Dominos "420 Special" deal is ridiculous. Last night was fun though, we gorged on sooo much food, it all disappeared so fast. I got to bed pretty late last night, got about 3 or 4 hours of sleep and I had to go to an EAP meeting this morning.

Paula and I walked over to Cowell around 9am and we went into our specific rooms. Sean and I went into the room for COSTA RICA. And turns out about 5 or 7 people from Santa Cruz are going, and there are going to be 30 students total going to Monteverde from the UC system. SWEET. There are Sean and I, two girls, and this one guy that were at the meeting, two people didn't show up so who knows! But it was exciting, I saw more of the people I'm going to spending this amazing experience with. I can't wait! So it looks like I'm not gonna be living with Robert next year, he got into the ILC (lucky!!). So Sabba, Shusuke, and I need to find a place for next year, and I need to find a sublet. Oy. We need to get on this soon, too bad everyones doing their own thing this weekend. Shit meng, shit. Whenever I listen to the Flaming Lips I always get reminded of summer last year. It was such a fucking chill summer looking back on it, its like woooww that all happened?! I'm kinda disappointed that it won't really happen this year, unless I don't take 2nd session of summer school. Hm. We'll see. Alright, well I'm leaving for San Jose soon. Woohoo!! BYE BYE.

R&J's Birthday Potluck, 420, & the Delightful Afternoon

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 02:32:37 GMT

Theres really been no time to update recently.
I have three midterms this week, one of which was today. It was Physics 7B, an entire midterm on electromagnetism. It was RIDICULOUS. What sucks the most is that its based on the homeworks, which my friends and I have all done and received 100%s on. Agh all that work and studying for nothing. I hope I even passed it. And what sucks more is that it might effect how I study for my next two midterms, which are both on Thursday.

The weekend was full of studying and late nights at Cafe Rev. I've been drinking plenty of coffee and energy drinks to get me going. Saturday I played Edward-40-Hands with College 9/10 kids. It was all fun in games while we were playing (we all looked like megaman), but afterwards we were all in desperate measure to pee haha. A couple of us went to Taco Bell after too, and it was like 3am at that time. On Friday Jamie, Sabba, Jenny, Robert, and I went to check out a possible house for next year, but the guys living there weren't there, so we ended up eating at a taqueria for dinner/lunch and drove back to campus where I studied more. Stuff happened during the week but because I've been so busy I haven't had time to put it all down here before I forget. Oops. So I'm pretty happy this physics midterm is over, but it sucks because now I'm worrying whether I passed it or not. Probably not, I felt like I was scrambling through it the entire time. I was just talking and chillin with Brooke, this guy Todd, and Katy right outside the apartments on the bench, just talking about everything. Having a debate on whether its called "Sockem Boppers" or "Sockem Boppems". Its definitely "Sockem Boppers", jeez. Well back to my point, I kept looking behind me. There it was, just vast amounts of dense forest, the sun, or thanks to tropical ecology, sunflecks, shining right through the canopy. So relaxing. And I always forget that its all right outside my bedroom window, constantly.

What am I gonna look at when I live off-campus? I feel like its going to be a difficult transition, especially not being able to wake up 30 min. before a class in the morning, now its gonna have to be an hour, or an hour and a half. Damn. So in other news. Claudio came to visit for the day on Saturday. We had a delightful afternoon. Caught up, exchanged some stories, learned some new things, just a good time in general. It was for sure what I needed this weekend. I've been getting annoyed with a lot of things and some people, so him being there for the day made me feel so much better.

It was like when Zacktell came last weekend....for 420. Which was EPIC by the way. Completely stoned all day. Thats all we did over here: woke up, smoked, ate, prepped for 420 in the Porter Meadow (which was insane and seemingly bigger than last year), smoked, ate, smoked, ate, smoked, ate, etc. ALL DAY. We drank some (i think?) later on too. The tent was successfully hotboxed all day and Planet Earth was playing for a while that night. I would put up pictures, but I'm definitely not good with putting up pictures this year. Oh well. I'm waiting for my midterms to be over on Thursday. Because then, I'll finally be free. Finally. Well until my next midterms. This weekend should be pretty nice. Hopefully Claudio will come up again, possibly Thursday. My apartmentmates an I took off the top of the tent yesterday and put it on our balcony, so it covers most of it, so now we have a mini-cabana on our balcony! Shusuke, Jenny, Rachel, and I totally changed it into a mini-club last night. With lights, good food (aka Dominos haha), and towels over the edges soooo yeah, its legitimate. I haven't seen soooo many people in the past week or two, its a bit ridiculous. Last time I saw lots of people was last Saturday, the day before 420, for Robert and Jessica's birthday party potluck. Oh what a shitshow that was. I don't like using that word for some reason. Yep.

Well I should get back to studying I have so much shit to do. OK BYE.
Oh I bought the Planet Earth soundtrack on iTunes. INSANE.

The Drunken Hike

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 04:00:31 GMT

It seems as though I make about one update per week, long updates that is. I don't look forward to doing them either, I'm actually extremely bored right now and have nothing else to do. Well, no. I have a lot of shit to do, but I'm too lazy. I'm just, blagh.

Today has been pretty slow. Probably because my mind has been rushing all day and I got 2 or 3 hours of sleep last night. Hey, like I said, sleeping isn't my thing, I'm not good at it. TropEco was interesting this morning. Gilbert talked about the joining of North America and South America and the explosion and interaction of the species coming together, and what it all led too. Now something THAT interesting was totally worth the wait. It made me feel extra settled, in terms of what I want to do, because something getting me that happy/excited is definitely a good sign. Afterwards I had PlantPhys, which was exciting as well. Who knew that water balance throughout the entire plant wouldn't be thaat bad? Oh yeah and randomly last night Kara left me a voicemail saying that she was flying into Santa Cruz with her parents for a tour, then flying to Boulder to go on another school tour. Intense. After class I walked over to the Bookstore and met up with Kara, Tom, and Barbara!!!! I told Rachel last night that I needed to leave for a weekend, but that was all pre-knowledge of Kara coming to Santa Cruz. Chillin with her and her parents was exactly what I needed. Though we barely had time to talk about our personal lives, I helped them out on information on the campus. Who knows, maybe I might disappear for a weekend. Lately, it seems necessary. At 2 I had section, and I called Billy, Claudio, Mom, Dad, Brendan, and Seton just because I had to talk to someone about this issue thats been bothering me for a while. Only Seton, Billy, and Claudio picked up, though I only talked to them a couple minutes each :(. Jamie and I just did half of the physics homework. Yay. Sean told me that the online packets from UOEAP just arrived. Sweeeeeet. I need to study, I have so much shit to do before the weekend.

Yesterday, Monday, was pretty nice. I slept in like a fattass, ate, and then went to class. Devin and I walked to Stevenson Cafe afterwards to meet with the rest of our Brassinosteroids group for PlantPhys, though Lindsay was the only other one that came. We covered as much as a group could without reading the chapter. Right after our meeting I walked to the gym and worked out there for an hour. Going to the gym was exactly what I needed, and its not that bad going on your own. Hmm. Then went back to the apartment, studied for TropEco all night, played some Brawl, and then attempted to get some sleep, but failed.

Sunday was pretty chill from what I remember, Oh yeah now I do. Rachel and I moved my couch onto our balcony and studied, with extremely nice weather out. Rachel had the idea of eating at Sushi Totoro and about an hour later Tricia, Rowe, Rachel, and I were sitting at our table ordering our food. The sushi was INSANELY good. But nothing can beat 4 On. Nope. We went to Safeway afterwards too. Don't know why I bought what I did, I'm personally not going to use any of it. I need to start financing stuff on my own because I'm not getting an reimbursements. Soon after I got back Kevin, Josh, Caesar, Ben, Allen, Rachel, and I hotboxed the shower room. Ah yeah. It was a good, yet pretty bad idea, because I had to read a bunch of articles for TropEco that night. I read about 3 high, and surprisingly I read pretty fast and retained a lot of the information! Hm.

I did laundry all day Saturday. About 4 loads worth haha. That night a bunch of us on-campus kids and nothing to do so peeps just came over and chilled at our apartment. Rowe and I made a lot of sweet potato fries and some other sweet potato dish. Divine. We put the rest of the rum and peach bacardi into the hookah and smoked it outside on our balcony. We put towels around the edges so CSOs and CAs wouldn't be a problem, then we ended up doing cave art on the balcony as well. The chopsticks used to handle the coals were burning so we reburned the edges and made art! So cool!! The alcohol in the vase was taking effect as well, but we all concluded that its more of a mental state, rather than actual physical drunk state, that distorts everything. We bumped The Flaming Lips all night too. The music combined with the warm, summer-like weather made last summer stick in my head like none other. It reminded me of it sooooo much, and it made me realize how much I'm gonna miss when I take summer school here at UCSC. So that was it for the rest of the night, we all finished off the wine Monica and Cassie gave us. Woohoo!

The night before all of us had nothing to do. Friday and Saturday were actually very similar. Sabba and I chilled at the apartment after classes and played some Brawl. Rachel and I picked up the alcohol Monica gave us, yeah gave us (so nice of her!!), and we partied at mah place. Josh, Rachel, and I, still extremely drunk and with nothing to do, decided to go on a drunken night hike. As we were walking past the College 10 dumpsters two other drunk people came up to us, Loki and Roma, and we all started talking. Roma started hitting on Rachel immediately haha. Awkward moment when he made it obvious. So them two came with us on our quest to TP the SC sea lions. Why did they have the idea of doing so? No clue, we were drunk and had no reason. On our way past ISB two drunken chicks flowed into our group, Mitra and Lily, and we all started walking together. The three of us were picking up more and more drunk people on our way to the Physics merry-go-round. After chillin on there completely drunk, we decided to trek on over to the Porter Squiggle. Once we got there we wanted to chill in the Porter Meadow and realized right when we got there that it was 4:20am. Unfortunately we didn't have the, equipment, to celebrate. We still found a way to chill. As we were venturing further into the meadow all of us started hearing music and it reminded me EXACTLY of that scene in Across the Universe. The scene right after the get off the bus, then they hear music and run through the field, then they trip ballz again. Except we didn't trip ballz (boo), we just ran into a bunch of hippies drinking and smoking in the middle of the meadow in the early hours of the morning. A little while later we said goodbye to our drunken companions and headed back to our respective apartments. Ah good fucking times right there :).

I don't really remember what else happened during the week. On Thursday I was assigned into my group for PlantPhys. I'm assigned into the Brassinosteroids group and I'm with a bunch of people that know what they're doing, so its all good. We're all trying to settle for the best group presentation in the class, so that we get to have dinner with Prof. Goff (thats what the winning team gets haha). Oh and from last weeks post, I don't know if I talked about it or not, but I licked a banana slug!!! It was during the random hike with Kevin, Josh, Emily, Rachel, and I. We all licked a banana slug and our tongues went numb!!!! Oh man it was sooooo cool!! Hopefully the slug lived though. Ok, well thats about it. Oh and The Office started last week too! That was pretty epic. I think that was the night we had a lot of people over for a mini potluck too. In other news, I'm looking for housing for next year. I'm gonna need to find a sublet for when I'm gone Fall quarter. As of now I'm living with Sabba, Shusuke, and Robert next year!! What

Squiggle

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 02:05:00 GMT

The first week of Spring quarter has been pretty amazing!
Classes started last Monday on the 31st. Physics 7B was my first of the quarter and it was, interesting. Prof. Carter seems crazy and perfectly resembles an out-of-control physicist. There was nothing to do that night so for what I remember we probably played a lot of Super Smash Bros.

I couldn't sleep at all that night. And drunken James kept calling me because poor guy was being followed by a silver truck, which freaked me out even more so. Him being inebriated didn't help the situation either. So I stayed up with Shu and Jenny. James came back and we ended up smoking. Me. Smoking hours before my 8am class? Yeah I've changed quite a bit. It used to be me not even wanting to think about smoking or drinking during the weekdays but now it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. Not really a good pathway, but hey, I can fix things, and I'm responsible. I think. But it didn't phase me a bit the day after. Though the weed I smoked made me feel like I was under the influence of infinite amounts of crack being shot into my nose, I felt ok the next day. And I learned my lesson too. I expected that after the couple bowls I would fall asleep in my mess of a bed immediately but that did not happen AT ALL. It was the most intense, fast-thinking, going insane, mind-racing high I've ever experienced. I think I was trippin out for a bit too, like the good old times when I first started smoking. But yeah, note to self: never smoke the night before classes -> will not help.

Tropical Ecology (ENVS 122) was the 8am class on Tuesday. The teacher is really ecstatic about teaching the subject and is really excited about all aspects of it. Tia Fuentes, McQueen, and Shusuke are in the class too! Wahoo! Right after that class I had (and have) Plant Physiology (Bio 166) with Goff! The lecture room is SO amazing, the turning chairs and stationed tables, SO COOL. The class seems pretty intense, but I hope I can pull off an A. I'm gonna need another letter of recommendation from Goff in a couple years anyways! Sections started the first week (boo) so I had Tropical ecology section, kinda boring.

The rest of the week was ok. Physics on Wednesday, and no physics lab till the week of 4/21! Physics doesn't start till 3:30pm on MWF and since thats my only class I don't have to wake up early. So Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I slept in like a worthless fatass! Thursday night I went to the gym with Robert, came back and showered (and felt a bit high beforehand/but after gym-hard workout :D). Slept well.

On Friday I went with Melmel, Jamie, Jesha, and Steven to the Valleyfair Mall. That place is HUGE. I bought Super Smash Bros Brawl so that peeps in and around the apartment won't have withdrawals anymore. Melmel and I talked about the Office majority of the way to the mall and everyone else was left in the dirt haha. We went into a bunch of stores, even the Sanrio one, where one of the workers talked about things "in front" of us, that didn't really exist. We left immediately. Then went to Bestbuy where I got owned by a door. My life's complete. We all had dinner at this extremely azn restaurant. I tried liver for the first time! Not my thing at all!! Tasted good at first then it turned on me like a psychotic hooker. So after we got fat we chilled in the Q-crepe place or whatever and Melmel and I shared a fatty crepe. We got some goodz at Safeway and then dropped off the stuff at my apartment where everyone was anxiously awaiting our arrival. I chilled with Jesha for a bit and we got to experience an RA (or CA) at work! Coooool!! So I headed back to my apartment and partied woooohooo!!! Everyone was there to so it was epic! Jessica and I almost influenced Robert and Rachel to go on a hike but since they were passed out, we just sat and talked till 5/6am.

Saturday was the College 9/10 apartment bbq thing right outside in the quad. Robert, Jessica, Shusuke, and I chilled there for a bit and then Shusuke and I headed over to the College 10 one to see the Cafe Rev kids! We headed back, did nothing much. Kevin and I played Brawl all day, so it was too late to do anything else. Ben and Caesar came over later, so did Robert and Jessica, and Andrew. We finally went on a night hike! Even though we left around 11:30pm and got back around 12:30am. Kinda early for a night hike, night hikes (for me) are usually around 2-5/6am! Yep. So it was Josh, Caesar, Ben, Rachel, Andrew, and I and we walked all the way to Porter to check out the Squiggle and the vending machine of course, whats better than drunken munchies? We all chilled on the Porter Squiggle for a good 20-30 min. then realized it was freezing out so we waited for the bus. Then we caught a school bus back to College 9, where the party continued with everybody! Yeee!! Jesha and Jamie were there when we got back too, but they left shortly after.

Yesterday was pretty fun. Tricia and Rachel woke me up, and it was pretty late because I was completely exhausted from the last couple of nights. So we left my apartment and headed to Trader Joe's so Bergher could get her shiiiet done. Afterwards was lunch at Yan Flower (mmm), then back to campus to pick up our study stuff because Rachel, Amanda Joe, and I were gonna go study at Tricia's place. We were there till about 11pm and then we headed back to campus. Busy day.

Today has been a very long day. I woke up at 11am. Had some breakfast and prepped up for the gym. Met up with Jesha, Jamie, and Melmel at the gym. FATTED at the gym from 12:30-2pm. Walked back up to my apartment but walked through science hill. Went to the DH with Bergher. Physics class right after. Now I'm here and I'm gonna finish the readings for Tropical Ecology. Then later tonight Physics study party with Jamie and Brian. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight. Alright I need to go print stuff out at the computer lab. This has been a longer-than-expected update. OK BYE.

Spring Break: The Rest

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 21:52:27 GMT

So the end of break kinda sucked.
Though there were some good parts, I did get sick so I never had the chance to hang out with people a couple more times. Wednesday night I met up with Jake at Mr. Noodle and we had the same old thing again haha, I swear it never gets old. The plan was for Jake and I to head back up to my house to meet up with Zacktell and Paul but Zacktell ended up staying at home because of something. Thus Paul couldn't come. Jake said he didn't have his weed and no Planet Earth haha. So we ended up splitting from there and I just headed home, and did nothing. Thursday morning I woke up around 9am and left to go work at my dad's lab at UCLA. I worked in front of the computer for 4 straight hours (my iPod helped), went home for an hour, came back down to UCLA and worked for 3 more hours. I had a sore throat all day, which didn't make times fun. That night I started feeling worse, so I skipped out on chillin with Billy, Zacktell, and Paul. Oh and I slept most of the night, even missing Lost. Was Lost on that night? Blagh, I don't even know. Shiiiiet.

Friday morning I went back to work in my dad's lab. By then at work I had no idea if anything was happening with friends because I lost my cell phone the day before, on Thursday. See, since nothing was going on and I was clearly not in the condition to go out, I decided to drink a "bit" to alleviate the boredom. I filled my nalgene with some E&J (found a handle in my parents' liquor cabinet-woohoo!) and coke. Took it upstairs, drank it all. When that was gone went back down and took some swigs. Yep, alcoholic. Then I just blasted music on my iPod and hours later went to sleep. Pretty fun actually! I was texting Tricia and then when I woke up in the morning, completely out of it, I realized my cell phone disappeared. I later found it under the tv at the foot of my bed. Wtf? That night Brendan came home from Las Vegas, completely out of it as well. Jake came over and we went out to pick up food at In'N'Out. Once we came back up Jake, Brendan, and I watched a couple episodes of Planet Earth. Theeen Jake and I finished the poster we started over winter break. Then we laughed about how ridiculous Mickey Avalon is. Wow. Just...wow. It was late so I had to start packing so I said bye to that little niglet, Jake.

Saturday morning my parents and I left for Santa Cruz. I was still a little sick so I was coughing all over the place. I didn't eat anything all day until I had a divine chicken pesto sandwich at 99 Bottles that afternoon, while they were watching the UCLA basketball game. We went to Costco beforehand, and Safeway afterwards to get some other random stuff, even a handle of Bailey's because I told my mom I wanted to try it haha. Sweet, handle to mahself. When I got back to the apartment no one was here, I had the apartment to myself the entire night. I had nothing to do so around 10pm I made a comfortable chair in front of the tv, played Across the Universe (woohoo!), and drank a couple glasses of Bailey's. Mmm. Sooooo nice. It was pretty weird having the entire aparment to myself, but pretty chill at the same time. Veird.

So now its Sunday and James and Josh are back! I saw James' niece and holy shit, soooooo cute haha. She was staring at me for a good minute or so, drooled some, and then stared into space somewhere else. I've been cleaning some since I've been back. Nothing better to do! I think I'm about to clean out the fridge, its never really been cleaned haha.........but not really "haha". hOuSeKeEpInG tImE!!!!!1!!1one!!!!

Spring Break: So Far

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 22:21:55 GMT

I left off last time discussing how everything was going perfectly, more or less.
So once I said all my good-byes to all the kids up at the apartment area, Tricia drove me downtown to the bus station. When I saw only two people in front of the station I thought "Oh sweet! I can sit anywhere on the bus!" No. This homeless man, that I ended up talking to for about 20 min. told me I literally missed it a minute ago. That damn Greyhound bus ticket said it left at 1am, and NOT 12:52am. BASTARDS. Though the thought of a Xanax sounded appealing, due to my instant freaking-out and lack of self-assurance, I soon got over it and called Tricia to ask for a place to stay. Tammie and her friend answered the door when I got there and she felt bad for what happened. I dropped my stuff off in Tricia's room and kept telling myself in my head "I'm such a fucking idiot. I'm such a fucking idiot." Tricia made it all better by putting on Fight Club, which was amazingly epic by the way. Then, sreep time.

Thursday morning I got up at 8am and left Tricia's house. I waited outside the station and the office finally opened up. I told them my deal and soon after I had my own two seats on a barely half-full Greyhound bus. Score. We left at 9:15am, and I eventually got to my destination at 7:15pm. Exactly 10 hours. I talked to a lot of people my age on the bus too, we never exchanged names so technically we never met, but it was still interesting talking to someone without telling them who you are. One of the girls I was talking to gave me her whole pack of Gobstoppers (that could sound wrong). Those weren't really put to good use after Claudio got a hold of them the day after. The "Across the Universe" soundtrack was playing probably 60% of the time on my iPod. Never. Gets. Old. So when I finally stepped off that damn bus and into the utterly smoggy air of Los Angeles, everything felt so much better. My dad was waiting right by the bus aside his Prius. While we were catching up we were heading over Whole Foods right off Sepulveda. I had dinner at home with him and soon after I drove over to Kara's house. It was so good seeing her! She wanted to drink and go to "Taco Talk!" We drove over to her friend's house to get her car, then we drove to my house to drop off the van. We drove her Prius to Taco Talk, then to her house. We had a hookah sesh right outside. So relaxing. We munched on, yes, Taco Bell, while drinking Mirinda with vodka, and watching Across the Universe. She hadn't seen it so it was necessary. After the movie Kara went to sleep in her parent's bed, HUGE bed and they weren't there, and I just slept in her room. Her bed is insanely comfortable. Being slightly drunk on that bed makes it seem like you're sleeping on a cloud. Excuse me, croud.

So Friday afternoon Kara and I fatted in the kitchen and then in her backyard. Lola hasn't really gotten bigger, shes basically a miniature golden retriever. So we drove to my house, watched the last episode of Lost that she missed, and then she headed out. Nothing else happened until that night. Jake, Paul, Zack, and Claudio all came over! This is when I continue the story of the Gobstoppers. After we all smoked, or in other words, "went on a walk", we sat back down at the backyard table and talked, listened to music, relaxed. Claudio said "You know what's really an annoying sound?" and then he tipped over the box of Gobstoppers and they all scattered around the table. It's probably one of those you-have-to-be-there thing, but its funny nonetheless. We all went into the new room afterwards and Claudio urged us to watch Tru Life Tourette's Syndrome and I'm the Blacksheep. We felt like little fuckers laughing at the Tourette's syndrome one. We're definitely going to hell. But the one funny part was when the show was continuing after commercials and it showed "True Life: I have Tourette's Syndrome", then it blasted a noise from one of the ticks of one of the people being interviewed. It sounded like "reeYACK!" It was ridiculous. Jake was the last one left and after he said he's never seen Planet Earth before, I was like NO. So I showed him a couple of episodes and he was in awe.

Saturday afternoon I got a haircut! Finally. To me its pretty short, but to others it possibly still looks long. Jake came over and he was hungry so we drove down to Westwood and of course yelled at people on the way there. He picked up Mr. Noodle and when we got home people from my dad's convention the previous night at the Holiday Inn were already there and drinking it up. Jake and I hung out with Brendan and Rocio most of the night. My mom hung out with a lot of us too since she never really enjoys these "nerd fests" my dad throws often. I snuck a lot of beers that night, mmm. Niranjala came and dropped off insane amounts of indian food for all of us and desserts too. So that was the parties dinner, amazing indian food and random assortments of desserts and appetizers. Woot. Once all the drunken scientists left our house I called up Zack and friends and about an hour later Zack, Lizzie, and Paul showed up! Woot! We went on another "walk", came back and ate, chilled outside (perfect weather). We hookah'd outside and caught up.

Sunday morning my family, Debbie, Billy, and I left for Palm Springs.
I'm gonna save my energy now and create a separate update for this trip, trust me, it deserves it.

So coming back from Palm Springs yesterday afternoon was needed. I had the house to myself since my parents stayed in Palm Springs. My mom said "No parties tonight!" HAH. Jake, Billy, and Alex came over that night. We all hung out outside on the designated backyard table. Jake made some cinnamon biscuits, I made some pasta, cooked some ling-ling dumplings, and Alex made guacamole! It was a feast! I had about 5 beers, never doing that again since all that happened was me being full of liquid and not being drunk enough. Fuck beer. We feasted while watching Planet Earth. Alex has never seen it either so it was a trip for her as well as Jake. The three of them left after a couple of episodes and it was just me and my house. I set up the speakers in my room. Drank a couple more beers. Didn't do the job so I had some of my parent's wine. Went back upstairs and blasted what? Across the Universe soundtrack of course! For how long? No clue! But this was insanely epic!!!!1!1one!!! I'm definitely bringing that vacuum-stereo speaker back up to Santa Cruz. Its necessary.

I'm gonna look back on last night for a long time. I'm gonna look back on this entire Spring Break for an even longer time. This break has been DIVIIIIINE. Well I'm gonna chill in my backyard, the weather this break has been perfectly sunny. And technically its Spring! WAHOO!!